Down

Tiba2 je terasa sunyi. Sedih sket2 pon ada. Most probably hormone-related, tp beberapa benda yg berlaku dlm masa yg ala2 serentak jg telah menyebabkan aku berasa sedikit emosional. Pertamanya psl td tinggalkan Aisyah kat nursery. Meraung2 dia. Sayu plak rasanya dalam hati, tp buat tabah je la. Berapa lama ek budak2 ni nak rasa Ok? Berapa lama tempoh transition ni? Kalo ikut kata Hubs, 'Ala, bg la peluang budak tu nak adjust. X guna nak paksa2 dia suruh comfortable skang. Bagi la masa utk dia'.

Yg bab meraung tu x sedih sgt la, sbb nya bila nak keluar drpd bangunan tu, dgr drpd luar mcm dah reda la tangisan dia. Plus carer dia x plak telepon bgtau suh amik Aisyah sbb dah menangis berjam2 out of control ke, so maknanya Ok je sebenarnya kalo kita x de. Tp hati jd agak gusar sbb ada satu mlm tu Aisyah mcm mengigau sket2 dlm tido. Mcm trauma kan sesuatu. Aku bimbang kalo2 dia x suka gi school sampai dia mimpi2 masa tido. Takutnya aku dah buat decision yg salah hantar dia gi nursery dalam umur yg terlalu muda. Ntah la. Pastu skang dia dah selesema sket. Aku rasa jangkit budak2 lain kat nursery (75% aku tgk budak kat dlm kelas dia tu berhingus). Tp x la risau sgt, sbb tu risiko aku dah amik. And biasa la, utk kuatkan imuniti badan dia esok2 hari, x de hal la. Tp aku berdoa sgt agar Aisyah cpt2 sesuaikan diri. Harapnya x lama lg tiap2 kali hantar dia happy, dan bukannya tiap2 kali lalu dpn nursery (nursery on the way ke bandar), mesti dia berubah air muka dan berdebar2 (walhal nak gi bandar).

Dalam tgh terpikir2 psl Aisyah adjusting at nursery tu, aku teringat nak telepon Che Fadh, tanya psl experience dia dgn anak dia Khairah masa mula2 hntr nursery dulu. Sekali Che Fadh tgh main pingpong daaa. Tiba2 jadi bertambah sedih. Bkn sedih sbb Che Fadh x dpt layan aku kat phone, tp sedih sbb mcm terasa sunyi nya Plymouth ni. Jgn kan ada org nak ajak aku main pingpong, nak ajak borak pon x de sapa kat sini. Masa2 tu jgk teringat kenangan main pingpong kat FSKTM dulu ptg2. Indahnya saat itu (chewah, nostalgik plak). Tiba2 terasa mcm bosan nya duk sini. Alangkah best nya kalo duk kat kawasan yg byk Melayu. Pergi mana2 berteman - teman borak, teman shopping 7 jam non-stop , teman release stress, teman buat perkara baru bersama spt pergi reflexogy dsb nya. Kat sini aku buat apa2 dgn Hubs and Aisyah je la teman setia. Bkn la complaining, but the relationship that you have with a guy you call your husband is totally on a different level than a relationship you would have with your bestest girlfriends kan? Dah la kat sini mmg student Msia kita yg study dah sedia kurg (families ada 4 keluarga je TERMASUK family aku), and female mmg ada 6 org sahaja in total (single + married, tp x masuk Aisyah and Zarin yg baby itu).

Tp tu la, sbnarnya kalo yg single2 ajak aku sertai aktiviti diorg pon, byk kali aku terpaksa tolak, sbb kerja la, sbb nak balik awal masak la, or just simply aku pikir, terpaksa stay kat lab, sbb nya hangpa x pa la, masuk 9 - 5, so by the time main squash you're days' load are over dah, aku ni mmg dah masuk lambat, mana ada masa nak catch up, so masa yg aku ada aku kena buat kerja, x kira la aku exercize ke x. Dulu2 diorg rajin ajak aku main squash, tp lama2 dah x ajak sbb aku asyik kata x leh kot? X blame diogrg sbb kalo aku jd diorg pon, aku akan bosan dgn aku. Huhu. Bkn aku anti-sosial, tp itu je la caranya kalo nak progress forward kdg2 bila dah byk komitmen ni.

Pastu bertambah sedih bila pikir2, this summer, ramai balik Msia. K Mazni dah balik collect data utk 3 bulan hingga end of June. Shue akan balik Msia late May - June. Kam & family akan balik Msia collect data end of May - August. Umei plak is expected to deliver her baby mid June, so mmg akan berpantang la all summer. That's 4 female dah tu out of 6 yg mmg pre-occupied, which leaves just me and Mal (Aisyah's babysitter). Sedihkan? I don't think we will have a bday party for Aisyah this year, sbb ramai yg x de in the summer. Lebih sedih lg, my bday is also in June, so prepare je la for total boredom. It is forecasted that come September, hanya akan tinggal 2 families je yg wat PhD kat Plymouth, including ours dah tu. And it is the last summer for the majority of the undergrads too. Sunyi kan lps ni?

Satu lg bab yg membuatkan aku terasa bertambah sedih ni adalah menyedari kedaifan diri sendiri. Ntah, tiba2 terasa mcm bangang tahap dewa. A few student Msia kita yg wat PhD di sini pernah / tgh dpt tawaran mengajar or demo, and I think it's a wonderful opportunity la utk gain teaching experience, BUT sadly, I have never been offered any. Mmg tahu x layak, but still, seeing other people do it makes me feel worthless la. Rasa mcm x de expertise langsung utk di offer. Rasa mcm SV x caya kat kita pon ada jgk. Pastu jadi konfius, kat mana aku sbanrnya? Am I a good research student? Or just so-so? Or worst, below average kah? Adakah aku di peringkat buat research dgn ok ke x ni? Kalo ye knp peluang tu x diberi ek? Ke sbb aku lembap maka SV rasa aku better fokus kat research je la, buat yg ni pon x terkedek2, ada hati nak teaching. Ada jg member duk kata, x pe la, fokus on PhD, that's what we're here for kan? But I still feel like crap.

Skali kita dah feeling negatif tu, the negativity stays la biasanya. Ada satu lg negative cerita yg berlaku sbnarnya, tp x payah la nak cerita kat sini. Agak menduka cita kan, tp x pe la. It's just a small glitch. Esok masih ada. Cuba lg. (Nota kaki: does not involve peeing on a stick langsung, jgn berspekulasi :P).

Anyway, dah byk point negatif tu, meh aku ending dgn sedikit nota positif. Td dpt email drpd UM*IES 2010 psl submission aku diterima (with no corrections - phew!), and conference fee telah di waived kan. Woo hoo... which means, kalo kena gayanya, dpt funding nya, dpt la ke Ireland aku this June. Perhaps I really should make a real effort to go, seeing that my June is rather lifeless in Plymouth and mmg x de plan apa2 lg. Aku dah berangan nak merendek ngan Che Fadh (whose paper's also accepted at the same conference), but she's still torn between going or not, with her in the final year and all, so we'll see la how.

Ok I best start working and try to turn this sucky day into a more tolerable one. At least get a few runs on my simulation and plot some graphs out. Hopefully the lines come out nicely as I have been hypothesizing and visualizing them in my head. That would totally make up for all the crapolas that have been happening. Yes, I scream GEEK and yes, my life is quite pathetic at the moment lah, kalo dah tahap a few lines generated from my computer screen aje yg bisa mengubat hati aku yg luka berdarah ini... Cheh... bunyi cam sedih benor, padahal Drama Queen je lebih aku ni.