Friday, May 7, 2010

Down

Tiba2 je terasa sunyi. Sedih sket2 pon ada. Most probably hormone-related, tp beberapa benda yg berlaku dlm masa yg ala2 serentak jg telah menyebabkan aku berasa sedikit emosional. Pertamanya psl td tinggalkan Aisyah kat nursery. Meraung2 dia. Sayu plak rasanya dalam hati, tp buat tabah je la. Berapa lama ek budak2 ni nak rasa Ok? Berapa lama tempoh transition ni? Kalo ikut kata Hubs, 'Ala, bg la peluang budak tu nak adjust. X guna nak paksa2 dia suruh comfortable skang. Bagi la masa utk dia'.

Yg bab meraung tu x sedih sgt la, sbb nya bila nak keluar drpd bangunan tu, dgr drpd luar mcm dah reda la tangisan dia. Plus carer dia x plak telepon bgtau suh amik Aisyah sbb dah menangis berjam2 out of control ke, so maknanya Ok je sebenarnya kalo kita x de. Tp hati jd agak gusar sbb ada satu mlm tu Aisyah mcm mengigau sket2 dlm tido. Mcm trauma kan sesuatu. Aku bimbang kalo2 dia x suka gi school sampai dia mimpi2 masa tido. Takutnya aku dah buat decision yg salah hantar dia gi nursery dalam umur yg terlalu muda. Ntah la. Pastu skang dia dah selesema sket. Aku rasa jangkit budak2 lain kat nursery (75% aku tgk budak kat dlm kelas dia tu berhingus). Tp x la risau sgt, sbb tu risiko aku dah amik. And biasa la, utk kuatkan imuniti badan dia esok2 hari, x de hal la. Tp aku berdoa sgt agar Aisyah cpt2 sesuaikan diri. Harapnya x lama lg tiap2 kali hantar dia happy, dan bukannya tiap2 kali lalu dpn nursery (nursery on the way ke bandar), mesti dia berubah air muka dan berdebar2 (walhal nak gi bandar).

Dalam tgh terpikir2 psl Aisyah adjusting at nursery tu, aku teringat nak telepon Che Fadh, tanya psl experience dia dgn anak dia Khairah masa mula2 hntr nursery dulu. Sekali Che Fadh tgh main pingpong daaa. Tiba2 jadi bertambah sedih. Bkn sedih sbb Che Fadh x dpt layan aku kat phone, tp sedih sbb mcm terasa sunyi nya Plymouth ni. Jgn kan ada org nak ajak aku main pingpong, nak ajak borak pon x de sapa kat sini. Masa2 tu jgk teringat kenangan main pingpong kat FSKTM dulu ptg2. Indahnya saat itu (chewah, nostalgik plak). Tiba2 terasa mcm bosan nya duk sini. Alangkah best nya kalo duk kat kawasan yg byk Melayu. Pergi mana2 berteman - teman borak, teman shopping 7 jam non-stop , teman release stress, teman buat perkara baru bersama spt pergi reflexogy dsb nya. Kat sini aku buat apa2 dgn Hubs and Aisyah je la teman setia. Bkn la complaining, but the relationship that you have with a guy you call your husband is totally on a different level than a relationship you would have with your bestest girlfriends kan? Dah la kat sini mmg student Msia kita yg study dah sedia kurg (families ada 4 keluarga je TERMASUK family aku), and female mmg ada 6 org sahaja in total (single + married, tp x masuk Aisyah and Zarin yg baby itu).

Tp tu la, sbnarnya kalo yg single2 ajak aku sertai aktiviti diorg pon, byk kali aku terpaksa tolak, sbb kerja la, sbb nak balik awal masak la, or just simply aku pikir, terpaksa stay kat lab, sbb nya hangpa x pa la, masuk 9 - 5, so by the time main squash you're days' load are over dah, aku ni mmg dah masuk lambat, mana ada masa nak catch up, so masa yg aku ada aku kena buat kerja, x kira la aku exercize ke x. Dulu2 diorg rajin ajak aku main squash, tp lama2 dah x ajak sbb aku asyik kata x leh kot? X blame diogrg sbb kalo aku jd diorg pon, aku akan bosan dgn aku. Huhu. Bkn aku anti-sosial, tp itu je la caranya kalo nak progress forward kdg2 bila dah byk komitmen ni.

Pastu bertambah sedih bila pikir2, this summer, ramai balik Msia. K Mazni dah balik collect data utk 3 bulan hingga end of June. Shue akan balik Msia late May - June. Kam & family akan balik Msia collect data end of May - August. Umei plak is expected to deliver her baby mid June, so mmg akan berpantang la all summer. That's 4 female dah tu out of 6 yg mmg pre-occupied, which leaves just me and Mal (Aisyah's babysitter). Sedihkan? I don't think we will have a bday party for Aisyah this year, sbb ramai yg x de in the summer. Lebih sedih lg, my bday is also in June, so prepare je la for total boredom. It is forecasted that come September, hanya akan tinggal 2 families je yg wat PhD kat Plymouth, including ours dah tu. And it is the last summer for the majority of the undergrads too. Sunyi kan lps ni?

Satu lg bab yg membuatkan aku terasa bertambah sedih ni adalah menyedari kedaifan diri sendiri. Ntah, tiba2 terasa mcm bangang tahap dewa. A few student Msia kita yg wat PhD di sini pernah / tgh dpt tawaran mengajar or demo, and I think it's a wonderful opportunity la utk gain teaching experience, BUT sadly, I have never been offered any. Mmg tahu x layak, but still, seeing other people do it makes me feel worthless la. Rasa mcm x de expertise langsung utk di offer. Rasa mcm SV x caya kat kita pon ada jgk. Pastu jadi konfius, kat mana aku sbanrnya? Am I a good research student? Or just so-so? Or worst, below average kah? Adakah aku di peringkat buat research dgn ok ke x ni? Kalo ye knp peluang tu x diberi ek? Ke sbb aku lembap maka SV rasa aku better fokus kat research je la, buat yg ni pon x terkedek2, ada hati nak teaching. Ada jg member duk kata, x pe la, fokus on PhD, that's what we're here for kan? But I still feel like crap.

Skali kita dah feeling negatif tu, the negativity stays la biasanya. Ada satu lg negative cerita yg berlaku sbnarnya, tp x payah la nak cerita kat sini. Agak menduka cita kan, tp x pe la. It's just a small glitch. Esok masih ada. Cuba lg. (Nota kaki: does not involve peeing on a stick langsung, jgn berspekulasi :P).

Anyway, dah byk point negatif tu, meh aku ending dgn sedikit nota positif. Td dpt email drpd UM*IES 2010 psl submission aku diterima (with no corrections - phew!), and conference fee telah di waived kan. Woo hoo... which means, kalo kena gayanya, dpt funding nya, dpt la ke Ireland aku this June. Perhaps I really should make a real effort to go, seeing that my June is rather lifeless in Plymouth and mmg x de plan apa2 lg. Aku dah berangan nak merendek ngan Che Fadh (whose paper's also accepted at the same conference), but she's still torn between going or not, with her in the final year and all, so we'll see la how.

Ok I best start working and try to turn this sucky day into a more tolerable one. At least get a few runs on my simulation and plot some graphs out. Hopefully the lines come out nicely as I have been hypothesizing and visualizing them in my head. That would totally make up for all the crapolas that have been happening. Yes, I scream GEEK and yes, my life is quite pathetic at the moment lah, kalo dah tahap a few lines generated from my computer screen aje yg bisa mengubat hati aku yg luka berdarah ini... Cheh... bunyi cam sedih benor, padahal Drama Queen je lebih aku ni.



11 comments:

miSs inTerpReted said...

oyis,

there are times that we feel crappy, so don't feel bad about it.Being lonely is crappy,trust me i know. tapi, try to stay positive. kita ibu2 yang buat phd ni mmg byk komitmen,, nak buat cemana, kan?


Here's to hoping your days would be more sun-shiney!

chefadh said...

heheh mek..rilek2..i think today is just one of the days..lgpun wif ur hormone, it must be extra challenging..masa mu call aku td berkejar. nak habeskan main pingpong dgn student sv aku yg dtg visit kat sini n then immediately nk g meeting pulak after that last point :P
talking about takde frens. i experienced that once, mmg sll rasa gloomy, nak2 pulak time awal2 research (kira awal la 1st n 2nd year tu) and now pulak dlm lab aku ada mmg kwn2 gak mmg terasa lebih lovely; mungkin dh rezeki. but the point is, doesnt matter actually kalau takde kawan pun, as my sv said PhD journey can be lonely (wpun aku rs ni tak help pun in ur situation) tp i agree this does happen, not just to us but most prob to other foreign students, and even to local students pun. it is just a process of life. even kt tempat keje pun kdg2 terasa keseorangan. i think it is though time wif aisyah's condition and all, but hey, the same as all other hardships u've battled through, u survived! so keep it on girl! dont let the hormones eat u off! heheh (padahal aku mgu lepas pun camni jugak..membazirs..but hip hip hooray..sebut ni noris, hopefully mood mu jadi okey)

Oyis said...

sabb:
ur words of encouragement adalah sgt2 sweet sehinggakan rasa sedikit tergenang air mata tau. and betul2 rasa mcm nak give u a big hug skang ni. oh emotional x psl betul la i ni hehe~ but thx! hope ur day id better than mine. here's to a better weekend to us all!

che fadh:
hip hip hooray!

i feel a lot better now, lepas dah release kat blog n also kat mung personally. like u said just one of those days. tp mmg rasa kesunyian habis la sbnarnya. sesungguhnya phd ni mmg satu journey yg sunyi, dah meletihkan!

chefadh said...

memang letih dan sunyi mek..tell me about it! especially kalau talk on the PhD itself. dgn tak tau apa nak buatnya, nak tanya siapanya, dgn salah laginya..but bila achieve something tu rs sweet dan berbaloi sgt kan? even mcm takde sapa pun yg hargai pun..self achievement la..heheh..sapa suh jadi academician/researcher? cuba jadi penyanyi..boleh la ada 'fan' yang tolong 'kipas'..heheh lawak yg tak berapa relevan..saje je..lebih dr ni kita offline ye..heheh

Oyis said...

che fadh:
tanda2 awal stress buat Phd tu che fadh. x cukup dgn over the phone, over YM, dkt sini pon kita sambung menceceh lg isu ni yek hehe. aku rsa kita harus berusa muka la che fadh. apa kata kita on je plan gi durdle tuh mung this bank holiday. it's obvious aku merindui mu... ding dong! (iklan follow me bedak wangi utk kesegaran spjg hari - 1990an)

tun fatimah said...

hey oyis.. hope you are feeling better now. reading this entry is just so odd because Its sooo not you. :(

Anyways, pasal aisyah, yes mula2 tu mmg rasa sedih and risau... and its only normal to question whether you made the right decision or not. But trust me, aisyah will soon adapt, give her time, your trust and confidence, and she will soon enjoy her new environment. This is her first step to independence, so it will be hard for both of you. But mama bird has to let her baby learn how to fly some day right? And trust me the earlier the better.. Remember, little children are more resilient than you think. :) Pasal hingus tu, not to worry.. mmg bila dah start pi skolah mmg exposed to macam2. Just get ready for the bigger stuff like chicken pox and HFMD since almost children in the UK will have them before they reach 5.

About PhD tu, mmg it can be a lonely time sometimes. I too feel it sometimes but I always make time for my social life - going out single or with girlfrens. Because if I dont I will go crazy! hihi.. And I never feel guilty for doing it because I know that I'll go insane if i dont haha.. but thats just me, diff ppl hv different ways. just try finding your 'me time' your way - maybe you cud try travelling with the family this summer?

anyways, cheer up dear! stress2 adelah tidak elok jika mahu mendapat keputusan positif ketika pee on the stick. hihi..

Nida said...

Dugaan datang dan pergi.. hanya semangat yang mampu untuk buat kita bangkit kembali..

"Dia datangkan petir dan kilat...kita menangis dan tertanya-tanya ke mana hilangnya sinar... rupanya-rupanya Allah nak hadiahkan kita pelangi"

Oyis said...

tun:
i try to write positive entries, but sometimes ter-slipped jgk entry2 depressing sebegini. bkn apa, as a reminder for me in the future and also to elt those who think doing a PhD abroad is 'glamorous', that it isn't so. Most of the time mmg sunyi, and I admire how you turn every situation pon into one that could be fun, unlike me who sometimes just choose to sit and sulk at the corner hehe. But to be fair, at the mo, mmg my female frens ramai yg tgh preoccupied, and member2 lab yg non-malaysian plak adalah semua lelaki. the one female in our group tu plak dah bersalin and balik berpantang di Italy hingga oct.

jln2 summer holiday? just as depressing coz a week into august dah ramadhan. nak gi awal2 skang the weather looks like bleurgh plak. ntah la.

anyway, i feel so much better now. just that masa menulis entry tu i was having my red-flag hehe ;P

PS; am not trying yet la tun. but admittedly, menengokkan the sudden baby boom di plymouth esp antara msians tu ada jg memberikan keterujaan hehe (ni time2 x sedar diri la ni)

k nida:
thanks utk kata2 smgt tu. mmg kdg2 saya terlupa, or buat2 lupa. apatah lg bila kwn2 utk menegur tu tiada di plymouth ni. syukur lah ada kwn2 di alam maya yg mengerti yg memahami. mmg semua yg berlaku ada hikmah. saya perlu menjadi seorg yg lebih penyabar. thanks skali lg.

Nabil said...

rasa tak best bila anta anak kat nursery tu biasalah..Saya sampai skrg bila anta asyik rasa sedih je tapi Sara sendiri dah adapt lama dah.

Parentsnya yg tak adapt dgn rasa tu...rasa mcm 'alahai anak aku, kecik2 dah kena pegi berdikari (Walaupun tak reti tukar pampers lagi :P)

Oyis said...

nabil:
tgh tggu aisyah adapt la ni. klo dh x nangis masa tggal tu kurg la sket syahdunya huhu. mungkin lmbt sket sbb dia x g hari2, so ingt2 lupa kot. klo hari2 mungkin dia lg cpt rasi. doa2 kn lah ye

Shue said...

hey bebeh...mmg aku pon terasa sunyi nya ...bkn apa..aku plak single sorg (laki tk kira) kt sini..huhu xde teman utk ngarut...side kick aku da balik mesia..wuwuwu...anyway..heard that ur paper being accepted! Congrats! This is ur time...in fact best tu dpt g present nanti...I wish I have my 2nd chance utk present sbb yg first tu x pegi..so that keeps u happy for this June..sumthing to look fwd to...