Sunday, July 27, 2014

Mixed Emotion on Eid This Year

Rasa2 ramai yg dah balik kg utk beraya kan? Hari ni hari Ahad, mungkin hari terakhir berpuasa buat tahun ni kalau esok rayalah. Raya tahun ni kami tak balik Klate. Raya kat rumah Ayah je on first day, which is about 20 minutes from our house.


Raya tahun ni agak mellow lah aku rasa. Sbb nya, ni first raya yg takde arwah Umi bersama. Aku pun kalau tak kena tazkirah dgn Hubs, rasa mcm malas nak sambut, but he said that ni hari kemenangan buat org Islam, and Allah dah suruh bergembira tu, kenalah sambut seadanya. And also teringatkan the children, Aisyah terutama selalu duk ckp, 'Kakak happy sangat nak raya!'. So kena la put effort sket, although effort aku tu tak termasuk gentel kuih biskut. Tukar langsir semua tak masuk senarai. Aku rasa nak kemas rumah Ayah sket and then isi kuih beli dalam balang, isi duit dlm sampul and then prepare utk masak2 for tomorow morning. Possibly main bunga api mlm ni for the sake of the children. Baju raya pun yg betul2 baru 2 psg je. Yg lain2 kami recycle baju yg sedia ada. So mmg konsep sederhana gile tahun ni.


Kawan2 ramai jg yg pujuk kena be strong for the children lah, kena make Ayah happy lah, tapi mmg senang bercakap daripada nak buat tu, apatah lg kalau yg menasihat tu takde experience kehilangan ibu atau ayah pun lg, duk recycle ayat2 dlm drama. Aku jd agak bengang mulanya, tp kena la ingatkan diri sendiri, awakward situation mcm ni, susah org nak say the right things, and I admit, apa org ckp pun semua wrong dah pada aku. So, diam2 je lah and embrace the fact that life goes on. Mujur jg ada a few person I spoke to yg dah alami the loss and they totally understood it. 'It takes a few years to feel like raya again', kata mereka, 'but it will never, ever be the same anymore.' 


It's not so much about missing the person you love. In my case, my Mom. I mean, I've celebrated four Eids in a row without her by my side masa belajar kat UK, and not once did I menumpahkan air mata di pagi Syawal, because I knew she was well and fine and the phone was there just to say a quick Hello. The real sadness is the after effects of the departure. Nak raya, a Mom would have kerah all her children and barked out orders, 'Ganti langsir', 'Basuh kipas', 'Lap cermin tingkap', 'rebus ketupat', etc.. etc... With her gone, we are kinda lost. What to do? Where to start? Pengukusnya mana? Balang biskut itu hari simpan mana? Why does my rendang taste off? etc... etc... Being the only anak perempuan, and anak sulung plak tu, there is no harder moment to face the reality of her passing than on raya morning. I'm thankful that I have sisters-in-law, and together we will make raya a raya, albeit a watered down version. Lord, help me pull myself together this Eid...


Also, a Mom is usually the strong figure who decides what the plan is on Raya. 'Mula2 gi rumah A, then gi rumah B, etc.. etc... Without her, kitaorg tak tahu nak start kat mana. Duk rumah je lah kot. Apatah lg selalunya kitaorg balik Kelantan sbb sedara mara semua kat sana lg. This year tak balik, so again, a change in the routine so we are quite lost as to where to start or what to expect of the day (we wanted to visit her Kubur on the day antara sbb tak balik - bukanlah tak pernah pegi Kubur waktu lain, but the thought of celebrating far away from her is quite unbearable). Nak gi celebrate kat Putrajaya pulak Dato Najib tak buat open house utk rakyat katanya tahun ni, so memerap je lah rasanya. Hmm... Lord, help me and family have a decent Eid this year...


Then there's other happy people we have to sort of deal with. Yg stock bergelak ketawa riang ria. Yg buat lawak laser. Coming from the south, my husband's side of the family can be quite loud, so I don't know if that will irk me off. Selalunya tak rasa apa2, but when I don't feel up for it, I don't know if I can stand it. Lord, me not lose my cool when time comes...


I will try to be happy, like so many have suggested, but deep down inside it's not easy. How can I be happy bila kita tahu pada hari kemenangan kita tu, ahli kubur pun dah takde pelepasan daripada seksaan Kubur dah sbb Ramadhan dah berlalu? How can I be jolly above ground when I don't know what my Mom's fate is like six feet under? How can I beraya hingga sebulan if in two weeks time it will be the first anniversary of her death? Lord, forgive my Mom of her wrong doings... 


Sorry if this is depressing but I'm writing this down because it helps me to get things off my chests. It's hard talking to others who don't seem to understand. Of course, I will try to brave up and face Raya with a positive attitude, but if you caught a shadow on my face on the day, please understand that it is not easy. At least I am trying.


As a start, I would like to wish,


'SELAMAT HARI RAYA, MAAF ZAHIR BATIN'.


Lord, help me be strong during this festive period.


 

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

The (Almost) Non-Existent Leave

'Ada kelas hari ni?'


'Takde. Skang students tgh cuti sem.'


'Oh. Tak payah gi kerja lah ye skang? Bestnya!'


If I get RM1 for everytime I hear this, agak2 aku lah, dah dapat kot collect RM100. Ini respon yg biasa diterima bila bercerita soal cuti sem. Tuan Puan, yg turut bercuti bila pelajar bercuti, tu namanya Guru. Itu pun sometimes kena masuk meeting or dtg sekolah ntah apa benda aktiviti kena selesaikan lagi. Lecturer, mmg nehi hey. Student ada ke takde, kami mmg kena dtg opis. 


Tapi tak dinafikanlah, time takde student ni lega sket. lega bukan sbb apa, tapi takyah berebut parking, or beratur panjang kat kafe. Haha. And also time tu still flexible sket lah. BUT..... kalo nak kata byk time free tu, ooo tidak. Masa cuti ni la kena pulun buat research, tulis paper, tulis jurnal, file patent, file copyright, (kalo dah mmg bekerja kat Research University mcm aku lg la kena gunakan masa cuti sebaiknya), siapkan report, masuk meyuarat, gi training, gi segala mak nenek  punya kursus, and even bila cuti, tu sebebanrnya undergrads je yg takde, postgrads (Master and PhD), still ada, so supervision still goes on as normal, if not dgn lebih lg sebab dah aman sket takde budak2 tecit nak kacau.


AND... walau kelas takde, preparation (course content, student-centred activities, assignments, etc..etc..) utk next sem punya kelas dah berlangsung dalam waktu cuti ni lah jgk. Sbb kami mana ada sukatan yg kena follow and teach terus from textbook, semua kena buat from scratch. So kerja mentelaah tu daripada umur 6 tahun tu still tak habis2 buat kami. Nak2 bidang IT mcm aku ni huhu... cpt nau new things come in. New programming language. New platform. New devices. Kena read up and try coding. Masa ni lah nak gilap apa yg patut. Oh, dalam cuti ni jgk budak2 gi praktikal, so sesapa yg jadi Pensyarah Pemantau Latihan Industri ni mmg kena sentiasa la pantau student punya progress kat LI. Dan, kerja2 admin yg lain berjalan mcm biasa.


Ok itulah sedikit sbyk pic diary seorg pensyarah. Mungkin ada byk lg yg aku tak listkan, tp just an intro to why aku rasa mcm sedikit 'erk' kalo org bg statement di atas. Ni bukan perihal nak compare dgn guru, No, No, No. Guru pun byk gak kerja dia, begitu juga engineer, banker, auditor, doctor apa tah lg, housewife, etc. Tapi just nak paint the picture that istilah cuti semester tu tak memberi makna apa sgt pada pensyarah.


Ok ni nak share some pics of the trainings that I took this cuti sem. Yg ni of the 'Cell Animation Workshop', about 2 weeks ago.






Yang ni plak of the 'Using Photoshop on iOS'.







Hari ni plak ada training 'iBooks'. Should be fun!


Eh mcm takde nafsu nak beraya je entry aku ni kan? My point exactly. Kerja byk tak sempat pikir raya uols!


Okay nak sambung wat course outline for a Master and PhD class that I will be co-teaching next semester. Trying to squeeze in time before training start. Go, Oyis, Go!


 

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Goose Egg

Hari Ahad yg lepas, tgh main kejar2 dgn Zayd. Tapi budak kecik tu main bersungguh2, lari laju, ntah berapa kali dah jatuh tp tetap la gelak2 nak suh org kejar dia. Skali, GANGGG!!! dahi dia terhantuk dgn BUCU DINDING. Bukan dinding ye, BUCU DINDING. Ntah sapa lah lagi yg pernah langgar bucu dinding mcm kamu ni, Ahmad Zayd Alhadi oii...


Kuat tak kuat dia langgar tu, mula2 berjalur dalam seinci kot kat dahi dia (tepi bucu kena dahi). Berlekuk lg. Tak sampai 2 minit, dah benjol. Dan bila start swelling tu, oh my, ada sebesar telur burung puyuh kot. Agak cuak masa tu. Nasib baik dah biasa baca psl ni, and also si Zayd ni nanges dia tak sampai 30 saat je, so cpt2 la tuam dgn ice pack (actually gel pack utk keep breast milk cool tu kan, tp belasah). 


Monitor dia dalam sejam, tgk benjol pun dah surut, and movement dia pun orait, siap nak sambung main, weols menghelakan nafas lega. Adoi la... ini adalah challenge yg berbeza dalam membesarkan anak lelaki. Kakak dia main x pernah kebenjolan sebegini huhu... Mudah2an takde long lasting effect.


gambar2 kat bwh ni are not doing just to the actual size on the day (sbb pencahayaan tak berapa baik dan mangsa yg tak nak duduk diam). But it was huge and I was well scared. Seriously. Mujur Alhamdulillah nothing major. Ni namanya style dahi utk persiapan raya huhu







Sunday, July 20, 2014

Ibu Rimau

Skang tgh musim entrance exam utk anak2 yg bakal belajar di Tahun 1 tahun hadapan, aku rasa. Sebabnya, 2 minggu lps Aisyah dah dapat panggilan utk satu sekolah ni, and now, baru je selesai pergi satu lg entrance exam utk lg satu sekolah. 



Actually nya, kalau sekolah kebangsaan mungkin tak ada entrance exam kot, yg mungkin ada probably test nak nilai tahap murid (band). Tapi yg Aisyah has sort of asked to be home schooled (penangan tgk byk sgt video uploaded on YouTube from US kot, channel yg dia tgk tu rata2 being home schooled by parents), and since I can't teach her 100% from home because I work (and bonded for the next 8 years, maybe?), the next best option is to chose a more flexible schooling arrangement for her, hence, the sekolah swasta. Hopefully, she'll get accepted.


Yg aku nak share hari ni is, penyakit tiger mom tak bertempat di kalangan mommies. Ni mmg nmpk apparent dkt Msia (well at least dkt schools yg aku tgk la). Bila mana ramai yg tolong anak2 bg jawapan kat kertas periksa. Ada yg terang2 dpn mata aku, suh anak dia padam jawapan and then tunjukkan jawapan yg betul. Ada lg yg sepjg2 tu duk tunjuk jawapan kat anak (soalan pilih jawapan yg betul). Jenis nak jadi coach ke hapa? Silap tu kak, konsep dia, coaching sebelum exam ok? Yg ni aku pun buat. Mentelaah malam2 dgn anak. Bukan masa tgh exam. Yg jenis tiap2 kali anak jawab and then angguk dan bg thumbs up pun ada, ni not so bad lah, but perlu ke nak bgtau the whole world anak dia jawab betul? 


Yg stock kjp2 panggil cikgu, kjp2 panggil cikgu, suh tolong anak dia yg stuck pun ada (kes anak belum boleh baca arahan). Kesian cikgu tu tak menang tangan nak handle parents yg jenis ni. Yg marah2 kat anak pun ada, sebab anaknya menganga dan mengelamun. Biasa la, budak 6 tahun kan. Attention span pendek. Aisyah pun mmg aku perati td ada gak tgk kiri kanan, pause ntah pikir apa, tp takde la aku nak kejar2kan dia suh buat cpt2 sbb pastu pandai je dia sambung balik. Jenis yg tunjuk2 imaginary wrist watch kat anak pun, dgn mata terjegil2, seolahnya 'jawab cpt, nanti habis masa!'... aiyooo psycho okeh? Aisyah ni kalau aku ngaja, dia dah rasa aku garang gile. Tapi kira gile beruntung dah dia nih, kalau dpt yg stail sesetengah yg aku tgk td, mau mental anak aku ni hehe...


Yg lg best, ramai plak yg bila bergesel2 badan dgn kita td kat muka pintu kelas, sikit pun tak senyum, walhal aku dah senyum habis manis nih. Kot ye pun competition, tak kan lah semua org jd rival? Besok2 kalau anak sesama dapat masuk kang, jd bestfren ke, mana tahu? Masa tu baru nak berbaik2 ke?Kadang2 aku konfius plak dgn parents yg mcm ni. Adoi la...


Bukan aku nak kondem budak2 tu jawab betul ke salah ke, in fact, Aisyah pun aku tgk td dari jauh, pun ada jg salah jawab, tp aku let go je lah. Dah mmg gitu kemampuan dia. Takde lah aku nak kalut2 suh dia betulkan ke apa. Biar fair. Kalau dapat masuk, sbb usaha dia sendiri. Kalau layak, maka layaklah. Hubs suh chill, dia kata biasalah, parents mana tak nak yg terbaik utk anak2 diorg. Yg tu benar, tp dah kalau mcm cheating kekdahnya, apa cerita? Kalau masa masuk sekolah pun dah ala2 menipu, berkat ke? What values plak parents ni nak bg kat anak2? Cheating in exam is accepted? Ke sebab ni sampai ke Uni pun masih ada yg cheating in exam? Semester ni pun aku dapat tangkap satu. Geram!


Ni belum exam betul2 dah mcm poning aku. Poning ajar anak takpe lagi, poning kena fit in dgn parents2 yg overambitious and kiasu, satu hal plak.


Who says primary school is easy in Malaysia?


PS: Aku pun Ibu Rimau jg sebenarnya. Tapi masa sebelum exam lah. Masa tgh exam tu, tawakkaltu ala Allah dah stage tu.


Saturday, July 19, 2014

Condolences


I had wanted to write stories of other things, but I just can't. MH17 tragedy is too sad. Al-fatihah to all those yg terkorban dalam nahas tersebut.


I don't know anyone from the flight, but like all Malaysians, this tragedy mmg menyayat hati semua. Terkesan di jiwa.


I found out that one of the victim was staf USM yg buat PhD and balik nak Msia beraya sekeluarga. Yg sempat post pic kat Instagram dia yg flight dia dah nak berlepas. Entry Insta dia yg paling last. Actually, kitaorg dlm satu group FB rupanya walaupun tak pernah kenal. Aku boleh terbayang perasaan excited masa nak berlepas tu. Masa kat UK dulu pun aku pernah balik satu kali lps dah 2 thn kat sana. Mmg excited lah kan, happy occasions, nak jumpa yg tersayang. Now hajat nak beraya tak kesampaian.


What about the family of six yg nak balik Sarawak foor good? Lagi la tugging kat jiwa kan. Ye lah, bertahun2 merantau, then finally dapat relocated back to Msia, mana tak suka. Aku terbayangkan pula perasaan aku nak balik Msia for good hari tu. Mmg look forward sgt2 nak jumpa family sbb dah bertahun2 tak jumpa. Tapi enam sekeluarga tadi tak sempat bertemu mata berpeluk mesra dgn keluarga yg menanti. Kita merancang, Allah merancang, dan perancangan Dia lebih baik. Begitulah suratanNya.


Hati aku terusik jg bila baca around 100 reserachers yg on their way to Melbourne for an AIDS conference pun turut terlibat dalam kemalangan jiwa ni. As a researcher myself, I feel the loss. Betapa kita telah kehilangan experts, kerugian dalam bentuk their knowledge and possible contributions yg tidak dapat diteruskan. Terhenti sampai di situ. Tinggallah ilmu yg bermanfaat sahaja yg telah disebarkan yg dpt meneruskan perjuangan. Terus rasa insaf dan mungkin nak kena tulis jurnal byk2 lps ni. Tapi first kena buat research dan penemuan yg bermanfaatlah dulu.


What about the little children? Or the old? They were someone's child, or maybe someone's parents even. The crew yg bertungkus lumus menjalankan amanah? 


Daripada sedih bertukar jadi marah. Yg pergi ni bukanlah calang2 org. Ramai yg bijak pandai, bertahun2 belajar, yg spent their lives dedicated to discovering ilmu pada alam semesta ini dan kemudiannya menyalurkan these knowldge for the goodness of mankind (the researchers, the engineer from Sarawak, the PhD student). They had so many potential to help make the world a better place. TAPI, disebabkan org yg bodoh, yg dikuasai oleh nafsu menggila, di atas tiket peperangan, yg tak boleh nak kenal mana satu plane Putin dgn commercial flight (MH17), these people who could've contributed so much are now dead.


Ruginya.

I pray that the shooter is brought to justice.


Al-fatihah to those who passed in the MH17 tragedy on 17072014.




 

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Mealtimes

We've found a solution utk masalah nak bg mkn dkt Encik Zayd kita ni. He used to run amok all over the place when we were having our dinner. Sometimes it became so unbearable we just had to take turns, or worst, mkn mcm ular (telan laju2). Poor Aisyah was also not spared. pernah skali tu Zayd terlangkupkan the whole pinggan nasi berisi nasi dan lauk Kakaknya ke atas karpet (masa ni makan atas laptop table). Hmmm...


Solusinya? Well... dining table. Kah3. Gile miskin kan baru nak beli dining table. Sebenarnya dah rasa memadai pakai meja ala2 jepun tu, but mmg bila ada anak kecil ni tak berapa nak practical lah sbb dia mmg akan panjat dan capai segala apa yg bole dicapai. In addition to meja makan, we got him a high chair. So skang, Ahmad Zayd time makan adalah kena tambat. Tp dia tak sedar sbb kita bg dia food, maka dia ralit. Now, we got to eat in peace. Sgt penting, nak2 Ramadhan ni. Alhamdulillah....




True, it's a pain cleaning after. Bersepah jgn cakaplah. But then again, we're used to it. Check out his sister back then. Epic!




PS: The Health Visitor in the UK dulu masa dgn Aisyah had advised us to let children makan sendiri and not spoon-feeding them. It is good kendiri but seriously, smgt ibubapa kena kental mcm kentang sbb mengemas lps mkn itu amat dahsyatttttt!


 

Monday, July 14, 2014

Bacalah!



One thing that I miss most about leaving Plymouth is its local library. 2 minutes walk from home, weekly acitivities for all ages and always flowing with children's books. Sadly, the same cannot be said for the local library in Malaysia. I live in what I guess you can call the 'education valley of Malaysia' (surrounded by UKM, UPM, Uniten, UniKL, GMI, and various other colleges not to mention boarding schools yg berdekatan), but the quality of services is still somewhat inadequate. Brr... I shudder to think the condition of all other libraries across this country. Yang standout tu mmg hebatlah, Perpustakaan Tun Raja Uda, but just the one? Nak gi sana pun bkn nya dapat selalu? Alamatnya sedeqah amal jariah (denda lewat) la aku tiap2 kali pinjam buku sbb tak sampai2 juga nak pulangkan pada tarikhnya bcoz of the distance. 


Anyhoo... ini tidaklah sepatutnya mematahkan semangat rajin membaca. I especially tried to instil minat membaca tu dkt anak2. And although I made it sound like library kita teruk sgt, it's actually not that bad, but a lot can be improved. Here's some pics of us enjoying our day out at the library. These are quite old pics, Zayd still had his curls. Masa ni cuti sekolah kot, so bolehla beramai2 pegi. For some odd reasons, library kat Msia ni tak bukak on weekends mcm kat UK (ok fine, Sabtu pertama dan ketiga tu buka half day kot kat library yg aku pegi kt Msia ni, ke ntah mcm mana, manalah aku nak ingat, but Ahad konfem tutup). So usually, I will check the books out on their behalf during my lunch hour on a working day. Redha je lah ye buku apa yg Mummy pinjam tu...









I believe that interest in reading is still very much important today, even with all the technologies made available. I still try to read at least one book (novel, self-help, religious books, any really) every three weeks (when the book is due). I know, it's crazy trying to cram it in, but thanks to breastfeeding, I do get some window of opportunity for reading, small as it is anyway. It's good for the knowledge, and especially good for the soul.


Aisyah used to only want me or her Dad to read her storybooks, but now, slowly, she is able to read Bahasa Melayu books on her own and with some help, English books too. I can't wait for her to proclaim her love for books and discover the joy of reading through books such as the Malory Towers series or any one of Enid Blyton's or Roald Dahl's pieces which were an integral part my childhood reading experience.



Zayd has also shown a positive progress too, altho this has a lot to do with his developmental age. It used to be that he wouldn't sit through any book. He just wasn't interested. Maybe he was too young then. But now, almost everywhere he goes, he would take his book with him, and if he acts up, e.g. not wanting to be strapped in his car seat, or refusing to have his nappy put on, all we need to get him to calm down and cooperate is a book. Bgn2 tido pun dah terus cari buku. Alhamdulillah.





The only problem now is, his fav book is currently borrowed from the library. I have to keep on renewing it. It's been three times now, because he just wouldn't let it go. He's just too attached to the book. Now, who knows where I can buy an exact copy of this? Help!



 

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Extended Family Ifthar and Taraweh

Semlm aku memenuhi jemputan sepupuku untuk berbuka posa di rumah beliau di Bandar Puteri, Klang. Bukan family aku sahaja, malah Ayah aku, dan keluarga kedua2 adik2 aku juga turut dijemput, berserta keluarga abang beliau di Putrajaya. Menunya, Nasi Mendi authentic. Alhamdulillah, moga Allah melimpah ruahkan rezeki tuan rumah dan abang beliau sekeluarga kerana menjemput kami beramai2 berbuka posa sesama.


Makanan sudah semestinya bestttt....! Sbb best lah x de sekeping pun gambar makanan yg sempat diambil. Hehe.. kejar masa lah katakan. Mana nak berbuka, mana nak solat Maghrib lagi, nak suap Zayd lg, tau2 dah hampir licin hidangan, so no photo lah. But I assure you, mmg sedap dan pelbagai...


Kanak2 lah yg semstinya teruja. Dari sebelum pergi lg aku dah educate Aisyah psl meeting her second cousins (anak2 sepupu aku). She was trying to get it all around her head, tak tau lah sampai ke tak pemahamannya. Harap2 jelas. Yg babies pun bole tahan ramai. Eh, chopp, bukan babies but toddlers dah. Ni mostly from aku and adik2 aku punya anak la, all batch lahir 2013. Semua dah dpt kaki so mmg chaotic sket, especially tuan rumah punya anak bongsu is already 5 years old so rumah dah selesa dan selamat utk deco cantik bagai bukan mcm rumah aku. But it was fun to see the interaction sbb aku pun dah 2 minggu kot tak gi rumah Ayah, so tau2 je smlm tgk si Muslihin dah pun pandai berjalan, yeay!


Lps Maghrib sambung makan. Then tggu Isya', yg lelaki solat berjemaah. Diikuti pula dgn solat Taraweikh. Kemudian sambung balik dgn moreh pengat durian pengat pisang segala ada. Alhamdulillah.... nikmat yg Allah berikan.












It's great to be able to do Taraweikh in a relaxed fashion, as it is intended, not rushed. Bole solat, berenti, makan sket, sambung solat lagi. Kalau aku kat rumah buat Tarawekh sorg2 time Hubs pegi surau, alamatnya mmg sepantas mungkin lah. Sbb nya? Ahmad Zayd Alhadi tu pjggggg akalnya buat mcm2. Mata mmg sebelah asyik kena tgk kan dia. Sudahnya Taraweikh aku jadi solat ekspres sbb 'Tara! Weih Zayd panjat almari!'... Moga allah terima gak amalan aku. Baru aku faham knp ibu2 ni kalo buat amalan pahalanya berganda (sbb tak dan dah nak buat se-proper zaman anak dara dulu, pfttt wishful thinking sgt) dan kalo suami buat ibadat, dia ikut sama dpt pahalanya (sbb bila suami pegi mesjid, yg kt rumah kena tinggal ni bersilat sorg2 nk handle mcm2 karenah sampai ibadat sendiri affected).


Maha Suci Allah yang Maha Adil.