Piled Higher and Deeper (PhD)

Busy, stressed out, tired, flat, lethargic, blah blah blah... the usual. Everyone is bound to feel this way, and it's normal- except that it's only Monday! Haha. Ada bbrp hari lg la nak tunggu weekend kembali, so how to survive, peeps?

Not that I'm bored, far from it. Masa yg ada ni kalo bole nak dilanjut2 kan lg. I call it the '2nd year syndrom'. Sekeras mana pon anda bekerja, masih akan ada piles of work to be settled. And the chaos is exponentially increasing as well, as time goes by. So bole la imagine camno esok masa dah naik tahun 3, yike-a-dee-yikes!!! Skang dah x mcm 1st year itu hari dah. Even rasanya masa 1st year idak la teman main2 pon, but still... the speed of EVERYTHING is escalating at a faster rate than I can ever move. Rasa suffocating sket2 pon ada. We are feeling the heat, people, even in sub-zero temperature!

Ok apa aku merepek ni. Perjumpaan ngan Prof this Wednesday, tu yg agak mengong nih. Masih byk lg correction nak dibuat. I don't think I'm taking my own sweet time buat benda ni, everyday pon mengadap tau, but it really is hard, and I really have put my heart and soul into this report. It might just be that I am slow. But then again, you only have as much time as you allow yourself to have, so mungkin kalo aku ada lesser time aku jadi lebih Speedy Gonzales, who knows kan? But surely, kalo tulis terlalu laju pastinya akan jeopardize the quality? Who knows.

Anyway, I sure hope that it ranks far better than what I have produced before. Allah permitting, the meeting goes well and after that I can reclaim my lost weekend minggu ni. Aci x kalo my weekend starts from Thursday minggu ni? Please oh please biar x de correction dah!!! Kalo x, still weekend buat correction lg la nmpk gayanya...

Aku nak add lagi satu la azam tahun baru, harapnya masih x terlambat. Aku nak cuba anger and voice projection control. X pasti la sama ada aku stressed out ke, pressured by deadline ke, tired from work and study ke (and blimming cooking everyday - same old, same old), not getting enough sleep ke (bgn pkl 5.30 - 6 pg utk buat kerja tu syukur Alhamdulillah telah di implemen dgn jayanya ye), or psl my sleep gets interrupted every few hours ke (nenen punya psl), or even if I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), or better known as Winter Blues. Wallahu a'lam. Mmg tgh short fuse. Sket2 melenting. Sket2 marah. Pastu dgn weather pon pon bising. Dan x puas hati. Sampai Hubs labeled me as, in his exact word, 'Whiny'. Hehe...

But ada jg unsur2 SAD tu, aku rasa. Bcoz as nice and beautiful as the snow is, the entire season is actually pretty dull and grey. X dpt cukup matahari, dah la mlm cpt, siang lambat. And the temperature itself pon mmg a put off utk keluar ke mana. Pastu jalan2 cari pasal (holidaying) is out of the question, bcoz cuaca buruk and also waktu solat yg pendek2, so x seswai kalo nak gi tempat2 yg x entitled jamak qasar lg tu. Surau mmg x ade la ye, masjid pon payah nak jumpa kat Plymouth ni, x mcm tempat2 lain. Makanya duduk la memerap di boring ol' Plymouth. I do think we all as a family needed a break. Sbb nya, last jalan2 pon was in September to Stonehenge. Even then it was a day-trip, so x bermalam mana2 pon. Pada logik akal nya mcm x patut ada beza summer ke winter, but it does affect a lot of things. Aku ingat lg, entry2 aku sekitar a year ago prior to spring pon ada bunyi2 ala depressed gini jgk. So mari la kita blame the weather hehe.

But seriously, lately aku ni byk meninggikan suara, even Aisyah yg baby pon x terkecuali, apatah Hubs. Mmg teruk alias derhaka pon dah aku ni, sampai Hubs terpaksa tegur. Perangai meninggi suara aku ni dah lama, dari zaman kanak2 lg, ye la, anak sulung mmg rasa ada authority over adik2 kan. Kdg2 terbawa2 plak sampai alam remaja and berumah tangga. I really do feel awful. Dah la kat sini I have no close friends, susah senang ngan Hubs je, so sometimes, it seems like the borderline between a good friend and a husband tu kabur, and I forget, and then terjadi la things that I regret later. Tu la dia, it's always the people that you only care about who gets hurt the most. I feel so terrible... :(

Please, please doa kan agar aku diberi kekuatan dalaman, kelembutan hati, kehemahan berkata2, kesabaran yg tinggi dan semua sifat2 mahmudah yg lain (whilst keeping my sanity in getting this PhD). Oh, and please let me keep those dear to me close to me as well, kerana tiada makna nya dpt PhD kalo segala yg lain yg should have mattered more hilang atau lari entah ke mana....