Pengorbanan

Apa daaa nasib aku hari. Terus kacao mood nak buat kerja. Mula2 I found out that ada satu change in our plan (bills) yg kitaorg buat baru2 ni atas dasar penjimatan, telah backfire dgn sbb ada nya hidden costs yg x kelihatan semasa menandatangani kontrak tersebut. Masa dpt bill tu rasa nak pitam pon ada, sbb increase 400% daripada pelan asal. Ya Allah! Hubs plak ada kelas masa tu so diam2 je la ku tanggung sendiri samapi beliau balik. Nak kansel dah x bole, so life must go on je la.... *pengsan*

Secondly, yg gi Barcelona utk Summer School ni mmg la ditaja oleh my Uni, tp ditaja takat GBP500 aje. Mmg bunyi nya mcm byk kalo convert, tp dgn ongkos train Plymouth ke Bristol lg, flight ke Barcelona lg, train dari airport Girona ke Barcelona town lg, accommodation lg, registration and tutorial fees lg, mmg itu aje dah berlebih dah drpd GBP500 tuh. Nak2 skang ni musim Summer, segala2nya harga at peak. Barcelona plak mmg destinasi pelancong, apa lg, mmg teruk la kena ketuk. Konfem kena tambah gak duit sendiri utk makan, miscellaneous and kecemasan (shopping is not an emergency ye Tuan Puan).

Dah la kena fwd duit sendiri dulu utk yg GBP500 yg ditaja tu, sbb nya x bole mintak pendahuluan drpd Uni mcm kat Msia bole buat (kalo tempat aku kerja dulu tu bole mintak up to 80% pendahuluan, baki claim masa dah selesai tugas). Masalahnya, kalo aku book lewat plak, mmg lagi mencanak2 harga dia naik, standard la, the closer you get to the actual date, the higher the price is, so kena booking in advance. Ni pon ada yg dah naik harga drpd awal2 bulan Jun masa aku usha dulu. And tang accommodation plak, itu hari yg ada bilik pon byk skang aku tgk dah sold out org lain booked. Haish. Bikin panas betul la. Sbb tu la aku settle kan booking mooking ni skang. Itu pon kira ok la lg, sbb SV aku ckp, as soon as dah beli tiket2 tu semua, isi borang claim with the receipts and diorg akan proses secepat mungkin. So maybe before aku fly dah dpt rolling balik ah duit GBP500 tuh.

Tup2 hari ni masa gi mintak borang claim dkt Graduate School tu, I was told that the form will only be processed kat Finance Dept bila aku dah balik drpd Barcelona. What?! Dah la event tu plak adalah hujung bulan July, makna nya mmg sebulan lg x kan nmpk la kelibat bayang duit GBP500 yg aku dah fwd kan itu. And it takes up to four weeks untuk proses borang tu, so we're talking about August baru bole dapat! *pengsan kali kedua hari ni*

Aku ni student aje tau, bkn la ada duit spare utk kes2 begini. Dgn nak gi Barcelona nya lg, dgn fixed cost yg aku sebutkan awal2 td yg lebih menyusahkan drpd menyenangkan. Dah la bulan Julai ni pjg (31 days), so in terms of nursery Aisyah kena bayar lebih drpd selalu (utk Ogos pon sama, tp tu pikir kemudian lah. Setel bulan Julai dulu). Ye, kat sini dia bukan kira monthly one lump sum berapa fees nursery dia, tp dia kira how many sessions per month budak tu is due to come in. Kalo ada bulan yg kena 5 minggu mcm Julai ni, ha, kena byr lebih la. Pastu system dia bayar dulu sebelum hantar, maknanya by 30 June dah kena bereskan yuran bulan Julai. Makna nya, bila dah dibayar in advance tuh, ko nak dtg ke, ko x nak dtg ke, ko sakit ke, ko sihat ke, apa nursery peduli sbb duit dah dpt. In fact kalo kita plan nak holiday pon kena bayar jg the usual cost. Haru betul la. Tp yg ni xpe la mmg dah anticipate. Benda2 lain yg dtg secara mengejut ni, x suke, x suke, x suke!!!!!

Lebih best lg, org Grad School tu siap ckp, kalo x nak dahulukan duit sendiri, lain kali order aje menerusi diorg, so apa2 tiket dan accommodation diorg aturkan. Now you freaking tell me! Terasa gak nak cancel plak semua2 yg aku dah booked and start from scratch suh Grad School buat (dgn harapan dpt balik duit through refund tp kena check balik cancelation policy semua2 lah), tp ni dah tinggal less than a month ni, mesti lagi tinggi ongkos dia. Tp jgn bimbang, aku x buat la, sbb tu pikiran org tgh diapi2kan setan je nih. Pikir2 balik, kalo thorugh Grad School tu pon susah gak, sbb this time aku (excitedly!) pakat ngan member gi Barcelona sesama, so susah nak tally kan our routes and room. And aku rasa mahal jgk kalo buat melalui Grad School, sbb kalo buat personally, kita bole amik airline paling murah, lg kita sendiri pon ada Railcard dsb nya, so bole diskaun and plan different route, etc. Plus kalo dah involve third party tu, leceh la, byk kena to and fro dgn depa. Mungkin la ini hikmahnya.

Apa pon, moga2 berbaloi pengorbanan wang, masa, tenaga, dan jg perhatian serta kasih sayang yg kitaorg gadaikan utk event ni. Bkn aku aje affected, tp Hubs and Aisyah jg, yg mana Aisyah kena berkorban putus susu badan, dan kasih sayang seorg Ibu. Hubs plak kena berkorban menjadi both Ibu dan Ayah pada Aisyah during those five days, dari memasak, memandikan, mengemas, dan menjaga Aisyah lebih masa, at nights especially. Dah la every morning he has to go to work as usual. Bab duit tu jgn cerita la, all three of us pon kena berbajet2 selepas ni for awhile at least.

Itu sahaja la luahan hati aku ptg ni. Baru rasa okeh sket nak start keja. Kalo terbuku je dlm hati mmg bole jd pekasam. Semak kepala kalo pikir bab duit. Bertambah2 lg berbulu bila dgr cerita org mengejarkan Summer Sales. Nmpk gayanya x de makna la sales tahun ni (as if aku ni kaki kejar sales pon before). Untuk meredakan hati yg suram, cuci mata tgk gmbr2 Barcelona.




Hati lebih terubat bila baca overview content Summer School tersebut (kira mcm teaser utk apa yg bakal dipelajari -

The creation and study of the soundscape of Barcelona will be divided into different subtopics, covering all the required aesthetic and technical aspects for soundscape analysis and creation. For that, the program of the summer school is divided into lectures and hand-on practical sessions.

The 3 main lectures cover the following topics:

* Soundscape composition
* Sound and music content processing
* Introduction to recording techniques using handheld recorders

The hands-on practical sessions cover the following topics:

* Composition of Realistic and Interactive Soundscape: Analyse, record and annotate a target soundscape of Barcelona, in order to re-compose it
* Augmented Soundscapes: Creation of augmented soundscapes, starting from recordings of real soundscapes, using realtime machine listening and signal processing techniques
* SMC Tales: Develop a mobile phone application for collaborative story telling
* Tangilble interface for graph based music representation: Building a tangible interface for the music representation used in radio freesound

Then on the final day ada concert at night, which is basically like a presentation from all participants on stage, utk mempersembahkan composition masing2, termasuk la haku (ecstatic!)

Oh, and on the last day prior to the concert, aku ada booking slot tutorial dgn ada satu mamat ni. Jikalau Tuanku Abdul Rahman adalah Bapak Kemerdekaan Malaysia, dia ni adalah Bapak Concatenative Music Synthesis (bidang aku). So aku sgt2 look fwd terhadap session beliau ni. Smg Allah merahmati pengorbanan dan kesungguhan kami ini dalam mengejar ilmu Nya dgn membantu melancarkan kajian aku hasil drpd event ini, Amin, Amin Ya Rabbal 'Alamin!

When .. Just ..

As of these last few days, x rancak menghapdet blog. Singgah blog member2 pon mana2 yg dan aje, sorry ek? I've been pretty busy, with work, and as I've written before, Aisyah had been unwell from the weekend on. She had a fever, a little bit of diarrhoea, then ada muntah gak sket2. Called NHS Direct, and was told maybe just a tummy bug from the sounds of it. But I was still wary sbb kat notice board nursery dia ada tertulis last week ada one isolated case of chicken pox. And imagine my horror bila smlm badan dia naik bintik2! Cpt2 called GP dia, Alhamdulillah, dgn magiknya ada slot kosong (mungkin sbb masa tu pkl 4.40 ptg, x de sapa nak kan slot tu sbb England was playing football live smlm, lengang satu town I tell u, semua berkumpul kat pub tgk bola!), so gi klinik smlm jgk, and was verified that it was just post viral infection spots. Alhamdulillah, dan bintik2 tu dah hilang pon.

Alhamdulillah, my momentum is picking up for work dah. Maybe sbb terinfluence dgn membaca buku2 like Getting Things Done by David Allen and Getting Things Done: The Personal Efficieny Program by Kerry Gleeson. Basically from what I have extracted so far, kunci kejayaan nya ialah, DO IT NOW! No excuse excuse. Find something or someplace that will inspire you and work there. Cut out distractions and off you go. Mula2 mmg susah, but in the end it works!

Another good book yg telah memberi impact ialah Wisdom 2.0 by Soren Gordhammer. Aku suka buku ni becoz of the idea of making life less complicated, and appreciating the simplest things in life. Bila kepala x payah nak tampung mcm2 dlm kepala, baru la kita bole fikir dgn tenang and idea pon dtg mecurah2. Basically ada connection ngan the 1st two books tu jgk la, i.e. when you keep thinking that you have to do something, you carry all these baggages in your head, and you perceive that it will take you a long time to get it done, but actually bila you buat kerja itu it's not even that long pon! When you have all these To Do's in your head, u carry a heavy baggage dlm kepala, so bila nak start wat kerja, mmg x leh fokus. But if you do all the things yg u lengah tu skang, lps tu mmg otak rasa relieved sgt, and kerja pon lebih effisien and tenang. Am I making any sense kah?

Satu point yg aku suka lg dlm Wisdom 2.0 ni ialah dia suh ketepikan alat2 teknologi yg distracting and making life x psl2 havoc ni, esp when you work e.g internet, handfon, mp3 player. Jgn multitasking. 'When sitting, just sit. When standing, just stand. Above all, don't wobble'. Maksudnya, jgn nak buat semua, nnt tumpuan terganggu. Buat sesatu benda mesti fokus. Mcm mudah kan nak follow, tp sebenarnya kalo bole master the art of letting go, mmg dah bole jd Zen guru ah.

And as you would have guessed, mmg lebih berkesan la working without teknologi ni. Mula2 ingatkan payah nak baca jurnal without my headphones on, sbb aku ni jenis suka angkat kepala kalo dgr apa2, but in the end, bila dah got absorbed in it all, mcm x dgr satu apa pon yg berlaku, engrossed dlm text tu. Tu jurnal technology tu, bkn novel. But I suppose kalo baca novel bole sbb that state of mind, baca jurnal pon bole jg, if you give it your all.

Oh and one more thing yg aku cuba praktikkan spt yg disarankan dlm buku ni ialah appreciate the smallest things in life. Maknanya, bila berjalan ke Uni tu, jgn semak2 kan kepala dgn 'I gotta do this, I gotta do that'. Enjoy your walk. If people watching is your thing, do that. Walk your normal pace, x payah nak pretend aku sorg je busy dlm dunia ni dan berjalan / drive mcm hantu (aku selalu). And when eating, fokus. Jgn dpn PC.

So aku pon buat la ni. Skang aku mkn lunch atas rumput you all, underneath the Sun. Mmg mkn semata2 mkn, x de bawak paper or anything. Slalunya mkn dpn PC sambil baca email or blog.DKonon efisien la kan, mkn sambil buat kerja non-heavy tuh. But in the end rupanya otak aku penat bila mcm tu. X break2 from the computer. Mata pon jd strained agaknya, so by the time nak buat kerja, dah lemau. But this time, aku rasa betul2 recharged lps mkn tu. Mungkin pengahadaman aku improve kot, hasil aku khayal / enjoy masa mkn, aku kunyah lebih. And I breathed in more air so byk sedut oxygen. Who knew taking out half an hour utk lunch bawah pokok adalah sgt2 efektif utk kerja!

And satu lg, konsep redha and pasrah pada Allah (dlm buku x de la term ni, tp aku relatekan kpd agama aku la kan). X payah nak stress2 pikir kalo mmg benda tu x bole buat hari ni. Kalo nak cpt tp lampu jalan merah, stop, tp jgn maki2 dlm hati, but say, 'Ah!'. And enjoy the 2-minute break tu. So lps ni mmg kena amal balik la kot, konsep, 'Makaru wa makarullah, Wallahu khairal Makirin' (We plan, Allah plans, and Allah's plan is the best). Baru la stress-free, Insya Allah.

And I am super happy sbb member aku dah konfem akan ke Barcelona sesama. And so smlm jg terus aku mengaplikasikan konsep 'Do It Now', and booked apa2 yg perlu - flight tickets, accommodation, and paid my Summer School Registration and Tutorial Fees. Tinggal hari ni nak gi beli train ticket ke Bristol je (naik kat Bristol International Airport). Mmg agak sayu membooking tiket, sbb pikir nak kena tinggalkan Aisyah and Hubs utk 5 hari, tp lps dah buat semua ni mmg lega. X de lagi nagging feeling that I have to do this, I have to do that, and adakah price dia akan naik today kalo aku lambat book? Syukur lah. I hope I have made all the right decisions.

Itu sahaja buat kali ni. I just feel like sharing something yg membuatkan aku excited psl work. But for the full story, bole la pergi beli or pinjam kat library buku2 berkenaan. Mmg worth it baca, especially kalo selalu demotivated mcm aku tu. Sama2 kita share manfaat nya, Insya Allah.

Pokok tempat aku mkn lunch skang

Serenely Climbing

Hari ni I had a little meltdown. Bkn psl belajar, tp psl benda kecik2, but nevertheless related to my work so it all added up into my head. Things were just not going may way! But thanks to a few people I talked to, I felt much calmer and motivated. I totally forgot that sometimes, you really just needed someone who goes through the same crap to know how the stuff really stinks. And it made me feel kinda normal again to know taht everyone else yg buat PhD pon feels the same. Plus dpt belated Bday card today, so that kind of buffered the emotions a bit. Balik2 terus rasa re-charged.

There are things that happened today that boiled my blood, but some things I can change and there are things I must leave it as is (at least for the time being). Mulling over it is never going to do anything good. So Lord, please give me strength to change the things that I can change, the serenity to accept the things that I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference.

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh.

When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit,
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns.

And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out,
Don't give up though the pace seems slow ,
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far.

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
(C.W. Longeneker)

On the same note, a friend of mine (K Mar who came to visit us in April) had passed her viva exam today. Woo hoo! I am super-jealous now, but in a good way. More reasons to kerja rajin2 now.

Ok la, gotta go. I'll leave you guys today with the anthem song of all PhD students - apa lg kalo bkn Miley Cyrus' 'It's the Climb'.

A Must Have Book For PhDers

Hari ni aku decided utk ditched segala pelan kesihatan aku. No more Iron Supplement, no more Detoxing Tea and no more Slimatee. Pastu tido kasi cukup 9 jam. Best2. Bkn apa, tp sejak amik benda2 tu, hajatnya nak improve health and immune system plus nak la kurus sket2 in the process , tp duk asyik rasa lesu and berat2 kepala jek. Sampai nak wat kerja pon x de smgt langsung sbb konsentrasi mmg terjejas teruk. Alhamdulillah, aku stop ni dah rasa back to my old self, tp selsema nya tetap ada la. Tp at least bole fokus buat kerja sbb sakit kepala dah x de. Mmg org kata kalo buat detox kdg side efek dia sakit kepala la, buang air kerap la, tp kena sabar and istiqomah. Tp aku ni stop mid-way, failure sungguh, x tau la ok ke x. Ye la, dah berhari2 gini, sampai kerja x jalan, x tahan aku beb.

Anyway, dtg2 je lab hari pada pkl 1 tghari ni nmpk sign yg mengatakan satu floor dlm bgnan aku tuh akan ditutup at 4 pm bcoz of electrical work. Hok aloh, org baru nak buat kerja, dia nak shut down satu floor plak. Anyway, determined to make the most of it, aku niat nak lepak aje la library. Bkn aku x biasa pon kat library tuh. Sbb nya faham sgt dah kalo balik umah tu, mintak mahap la nak ngadap kerja lagi ye dok? Ngadap Tuan Puteri Tuanku Aisyah Nurzahirah je lah jawabnya. Habis produktif pon Tuanku akan tido atas riba la jawabnya, satu tgn menaip, satu tgn memangku dia, satu breast tersumbat kat mulut tuan puteri kecik tu sampai la tertido betul . Olololo.. kesian plak tgk dia tido mcm dlm gmbr ni.




Tp skali tuh masuk library, ya Rabbi, ramainya org. Oh, aku terlupa plak budak2 undergrad semua ni study week, yakni minggu dpn start exam. Apa daa terlupa, padahal hujung minggu ni ada jemputan majlis doa selamat untuk adik2 undergrad di Plymouth yg nak periksa. Susahnya nak cari kerusi kosong. Ye la, kat bhgian open2 tuh, semua dah penuh, budak2 undergrads ni duduk ikut geng masing2 la kot, ala2 study group la tuh. Aku ingat kalo booking bilik karel mcm aku biasa buat pon x guna, mesti penuh jgk. So jenuh la aku pergi up, down, and looked around, sampai jumpa 3 bilik ni - Casual Study Room, Quiet Study Room & Silent Study Room. Apa beza plak silent ngan quiet ni, heran betul. Apa pon, nmpk drpd luar mcm Bilik Quiet tu penuh, Bilik Silent tu plak kosong, so try nak masuk, tp ternmpk sign yg mengatakan - No Handphones, No Food, No Drinks AND NO LAPTOPS. Aiyo.. utk silent kena betul2 diam rupanya. Klik, klik, klik menaip x dibenarkan. And siap suruh minimize kan ruffling through the notes lg tuh. Waduh2, ini mcm kalu bernafas pon takut. Tp nak buat mcm mana Bilik Quiet dah penuh. So dlm termangu2 kat luar tu, ada nmpk sorg budak kluar drpd bilik Quiet, meaning konfem ada seat kosong la kan. Aku pon apa lagi, zasss terus masuk n claim aku punya spot. Ye... begitu happening skali library. I'd thought I'd never see the day. Syukur seat nya best plak tu, ada view. In actual fact bole nmpk lab aku di seberang sana, yg telah gelap dan dikosongkan ituh. Weh.. rupanya kalo aku solat org bole skodeng dgn jelas skali lah! Baru aku tahu.




Masuk2 tu, wah... it's friggin' hot, and blimmin' hell, it smells in here. Ye la, dah mcm2 org tu kan, tau2 je la. Mula2 risau gak psl idung srott srett aku nih (esok ada appointment ngan GP - yeay!), tp bila duduk x lama tu dgr bersambung2 je org srott srett gak. Hehe. Pastu lebih memalukan drpd bunyi srott srett itu adalah bunyi keronchong dlm perut plak. Yennadey, nasib baik ada pisang ngan air mineral aku bwk bekal (walaupon detox ku telah kecundang di tgh jalan, bab mkn masih cuba ikut pelan asal, kurangkan nasik and bykkan buah. Crisps and cookies jgn sekali). Masa2 ni la appreciate sgt my very personal space kat Lab Computer Music itu.




Nasib x masuk bilik Silent kalo x kebulur aku sbb x leh mkn. Anyway, duk dlm bilik Quiet ni pon awal2 td org sebelah dok jeling2 gak, sbb aku menaip2 apa semua. Apa leh buat, mmg kerjanya coding kan. Aku tgk rata2 budak lain membawa nota printouts dan dgn poyo nya mengulangkaji. Wah terkenang semasa muda2 dulu. Untung wat PhD x de exams gitu hahahah *gelak suka hati x hengat dunia*




After awhile, aku rehat japs and started baca buku yg direkomen oleh Al, kawan lab aku nih. Utk pengetahuan, semua, Al ni dah nak siap writing thesis dia dah, and this is his SECOND PhD, yet he reads this book like it's his second Bible. Beliau menyuruh aku check out and read buku ni cpt2, bcoz it got him through the first PhD. Wah,... kalo sampai buat PhD kali kedua pon baca buku ni jgk, it must be really good now, isn't it?

So aku pon start la baca buku nih, alang2 otak dah lemau nak wat programming di kala ptg hari ni kan, AND I got really engrossed. In about one and a half hour of speed reading, dpt lah khatam. Aku mmg x nak linger lama2 baca light reading nih, but aku perlu menyuntik kembali smgt perjuangan dalam diri dan memperbetulkan niat kenapa aku buat PhD ni, sbb tu gigih aku baca from cover to cover. Insya Allah lps ni dah kembali tegak on track, dan even if ada jg bibit2 kemalasan dalam diri nih, aku dah paham kenapa. It's the Second-Year Syndrom. Ha.. nak tahu lebih lanjut kena la baca sendiri ehehehe... Aku mmg further recommend la kat kengkawan lain, especially yg tgh wat PhD la. Tajuk buku tu ialah 'How to Get A PhD: A Handbook for Students and Their Supervisors', by Phillips & Pugh. Ni muka dpn dia (tp yg more recent version ada gmbr lain - hok kawan aku tuh cover lain).




Meh aku share sket la point2 dia yg aku rasa menarik, kira ala2 teaser la ek (x leh wat byk2 kang kena saman aku psl copyright plak):

On Feelings & Challenges in PhD:
* Goal posts are continually being moved!
* Isolation, e.g. 'I work alone in lab. Full of people, all research students, all working alone', or 'Most of the communication in the lab is artificial'
* Postgraduates must realize that determination and application, rather than brilliance are needed for a PhD - go get it!
* Overcoming culture shocks for overseas students - language, reserves, accommodation, financial problems, climatic differences, ill health, worries about families back home, etc <--- sgt2 betul. badan aku tgh culture shock kah, climatic differences and ill health manjang nih?


On How NOT to get a PhD
* The first method to not getting a PhD is to not wanting a PhD. You must WANT a PhD bad enough, to the point that you have to answer, "Why am I doing this fruitless job?", "Why have I inflicted this on my family?"
* Overestimating the nature of PhD e.g leave the Nobel prize-winning, paradigm-shifting research for AFTER your PhD
* Underestimating the nature of PhD, e.g. research means finding good questions as well as good answers
* Taking a new responsibility before finishing e.g writing up demands the most concentrated effort of the whole process - extremely demanding test of professional competence, and to really demonstrate that you are WORTH a PhD!


On Kenapa Aku Mandom Aje:
* fed-up, confused, stuck - getting nowhere syndrom
* 'just churning the results, plodding on, no challenge'
* 'doing the mechanical things just go on' <--- ye coding x abes2 ni naik muak dah rasa, tgk pon x sudi, blerghhh!
* BUT a SV remarked, 'during the next six months he'll get through this sticky patch and the results should just pour out' <---- aku berdoa bersungguh2 that this is true!


But point paling aku suka (altho yikes, menakutkan):
* Three years will appear like a long time to finish one job at the beginning. Beware of this illusion. If you trust it and behave accordingly, you will be in deep trouble by the end of it


Dan mcm2 lg la. Yg part technical2 tu aku skip la kat sini, mcm mana nak tulis thesis, apa proses2 dia, how to do reaserch, how to manage SV, tu semua kalo nak tahu kena baca la ye. Wajib la bg kredit authors yg penat2 tulis. It's a very good read, especially if you seem like you're on a hiatus for awhile like me. Atau mmg sengaja malas nak buat kerja tu kan, make yourself look busy productive and grab a copy. 161 muka surat aje. Guna taktik speed reading mcm aku ckp hari tu, in no time lah leh finish. Enjoy and Happy PhDing! ;)

My Life On the Other Side of The World :)

Dah seminggu lebih kitaorg berada di Msia tanahair terchenta nih. Masih ada about a week plus before kitaorg fly back to Plymouth negara org itu huhu... So far spjg kat sini x teringat sgt how things are back home (Plymouth is our home la for the time being kan?), cuma sesekali terpikir jg like, eh what time is it now over there? or I wonder if anyone misses my being away from work? or SV aku ada carik aku x? or sapa la ganti shift aku ni spjg aku x dak dsb nya.

So satni bila bukak kejap online statement daripada bank, rasa agak pelik to see how things are going just fine seolahnya aku and family still living there aje. Duit elaun dah masuk, tp telah kluar dgn sendirinya (standing order), pergi utk byr sewa rumah kat agent, tolak duit byr bil mobile phone, tolak duit SKY, tolak duit internet, tolak duit home insurance dan macam2 lg so jgn budget kitaorg balik kayo la sbb duit x berusik. Fitnah semata2 okeh . Hmm.. semua berjalan spt biasa cuma tinggal x de record org withdraw kat ATM or swipe kad debit je spt slalunya (nasib baik la kan, kalo ada sapa plak yg guna hohoh?)

Pastu bila bukak email university pon sama je alkisahnya. Things go on as they should be. Email me-war2 kan courses for postgraduate students every other day dpt, Monday Mail Out from the International Office never fails to reach my Inbox, dan peringatan buku overdue ku drpd library jua sudah menunjukkan balance yg semakin hari semakin increasing *ketuk dahi sendiri sbb malas pulangkan buku before we left -- dan jg malas renew online*

Sesekali ada jgk teringat psl kerja. Wah... ini lah paling lama aku x sentuh kerja semenjak bergelar student PhD nih. Berdebar jg rasanya, tp mood dan masa mcm x de la nak start bukak coding. Hmm.. apa nak jadi ni.

Dalam duk merasa diri kat sini adalah stagnant, dpt email drpd faculty psl newsletter terbaru - yg mengandungi artikel psl aku dan kemajuan penyelidikan aku dalam bahagian Student Profile (page 9 - 10) dua muka tu, gila glamour sungguh!. So rasa mcm happy la sket altho hakikatnya, ni adalah kerja last month, and sejak almost 2 minggu lps x de progress yg membanggakan pon hehee....




X pe la. At least penjadi peringatan bahawa bawak2 beringat la Oyis, holiday mu hampir habis weih!

Calm After A Storm

Who knew that nak bercuti 3 minggu pon is like bercuti 6 bulan? Mak aihhh.. letih...!

I was super upset this morning, sbb nya yesterday I spotted something wrong in my codes (logik), makanya ada satu part testing yg aku duk buat tu adalah dikira void. Dah la a very important part indeed, to demonstrate the enhancement of the newly implemented algorithm. Even when I woke up at 4 a.m. to try and fix the problem, masih x betul2 jg... Haish... mmg my SV was in for a huge disappointment la.

On top of that, I have managed to p*ss Hubs off by not packing and not doing seribu satu perkara nak kena buat before we leave tp aku x buat2 lagi, duk pentingkan testing ni je. Yes, I know, dia pon semak kepala otak tgk brg2 yg merata2 all over the place dsbnya. I know he thinks I am nuts for asking my SV for a meeting today (of all days!) AND attending the seminar this morning when I know for sure that byk gile benda nak dibuat last minute. Man, it is sooo hard when you try to please so many people at one time, and yet you still fail.

But I'm glad I have had this meeting with him, sbb nya phew.... lega! Altho result yg di cita2 kan itu tidak dpt ditunjukkan, tp beliau telah approve my methodology utk test ini. Juga beliau telah setuju dgn cadangan2 yg diberikan. And if I'm not mistaken, ada jg la sket2 hint of impresseiveness tu kat mata beliau. Alhamdulillah... I don't feel like such a loser now. I was this morning, tho', apatah lg mamat yg present pg td adalah member lab, and he is a part-time student tp his work was uber-cool.

And yup, with the results in tow, we are on our way to submitting a paper to a well-known music computing conference by the end of this April. It certainly means that I will have to work whilst in Msia (again, mendatagkan amarah Hubs kerana terpaksa bawak balik laptop), but at least dah nampak jalan dgn lebih bercahaya nya skang. On top of that, beliau telah approve utk memberikan aku space utk menghantar satu lg paper kpd satu conference national ni. Ingatkan dia x kasi join (some SV discourages their students to write at low impact conferences sbb buang masa, sayangkan result kasi simpan utk mega conference punya, or just simply embarrassed to be associated with a small scale conference), tetapi tidak beliau. Beliau berkata, kerjaya aku di Msia jg penting, makanya exposure and experience sebegini adalah bagus asal simpan results kaw2 kita tuh utk journal yeh . Malah, beliau tidak kisah pon kalo aku nak add nama2 ex-SV aku (andai bahan yg aku nak terbit tu ada contribution drpd zaman MSc dulu). So, Syukur Alhamdulillah!





Alang2 bermesra dgn SV ni aku terus fire je satu lg soalan dkt beliau yg selama ni mengganggu tidur ku, yakni schedule seminar lab. Kitaorg slalu ada seminar pg Jumaat, not a very good time for me bcoz of work commitments. And now that I told him that I prefer in the afternoon, beliau telah bersetuju menukar waktu kpd ptg Khamis terus. Sekali lg syukur ya Allah!

And then aku terpandang satu web page ni, yg ckp UoP bercuti Easter and end of term dari 27 March - 19 April 2010. Wah... sungguh la aku x rasa bersalah balik Msia nih hehehe...




Now I really am happy and can focus on spending time with my family at Msia, altho I still have these things to do (in that order yg telah di-laid out-kan atas desk ku itu), bcoz I really don't want to miss the deadline for the papers. But still, I am now officially happy and free!!! Alhamdulillah.....




Ok nak balik pujuk cik Abe. Doakan beliau lembut hati ek ngan aku. Sian aku, dah la tido x cukup, kerja byk, kena marah plak. Then nak plan jalan2 London nyer itinerary hohohoh...

Post co-SV Meet

Baru je lps meeting dgn co-SV. Utk makluman, co-SV ni mmg busy org nya, setahun sekali pon belom tentu dapat jumpa, honest! Hinggakan member2 se-lab pon duk wat lawak la smlm, siap ckp, 'Wow.. you got (him) to come down and have a meeting with you. I am impressed!". Chesss... sengal je budak2 ni eh.

Anyway, co-SV aku ni mmg berjiwa muzik betul. Dia adalah typical stereotype musician jalanan tau, pakai selekeh mekeh je, T-shirt berlubang kat ketiak, seluar khakis, muka mcm x shave 3 bulan, pastu meeting aku plak pkl 1.15 ptg, dia siap bawak sandwich, kacang, ngan air juice tu susun atas meja aku. Makan sorg2 x pelawa sambil2 aku explained kan kerja. Wahhh...sempoi aje ek dia nih? Tp dah ada PhD dah la, kalo x, x kan la jadi co-SV plak kan.

Aku ingat sbb dia lamo non-ado dlm pembikinan research aku so far makanya light2 discussion ajo bule la ek. Present semula slides yg hari tu guna masa presentation Januari lepas ke. Rupanya, walaupon dia ni mmg hampir2 non-existent dlm penyelidikan aku, tp thesis upgrade aku itu hari dia baca tau. Woh.. so dia x berapa heran dgn slides tu, and a third of the way thro' sesambil kunyah kacang tu terus mem-fire2 soalan2 yg bermain di benak nya sejak baca thesis aku tuh. 'How are the notes segmented?', 'how long are the segmented units?', 'how are the segments ended? - is it through enveloping.. bla bla..', 'what is it that you are trying to come up with?', 'is temporal factor plays a part at all?' (ni soalan bhg signal processing).... why? why? why? ... (sbb nya dia dah baca tp dah methodology aku drpd thesis upgrade tuh, tp dia nak tahu justifikasi aku dgn lebih lanjut lg). Nasib la byk jg yg bole jawab, walaupon mcm tergagap2.

Actually, I took my time utk menjawab setiap soalan dia dgn menjawab sepatah2, so bkn mcm conversing tp mcm robot pon ada jgk haha. Sbb I needed time to think, think, think! Admittedly, aku pon ada byk persoalan yg x terjawab lg pada masa ni. Syukur lah, dia memahami, dia kata biasa la, tu nama nya research, the more you dig, the more at lost you'll feel, but it will all come together in the end. Also, he said that he'll help dalam bidang Music nya side, especially music literature sbb tu specialty dia, and as I would have it, my ultimate weakness lah.

I am very pleased sbb in the end, although we never got an answer to the abstract question that had always been bugging me, which was 'how to measure that the music produced by my algorithm is more aesthetically pleasing than others?', we managed to swerve a little bit to a more concrete ground and focus on providing better flexibility in composition to the composers.

3 part yg perlu di-test: (1) Audio Feature Extraction, (2) Segmentation / Durational Aspects, and (3) Unit Selection Algorithm. Mmg sgt2 terasa like tahun 2 dah wohohoh. And I asked him, kalo aku berjaya cover 3 area ni, dah bole dpt PhD ke? Dia kata, Yes. Wah.. bunyi nya mcm kacang je kan? But I am aware that things can always crop up oh-so suddenly in the eleventh hour, tp buat2 x tahu je la dulu, malas nak pikir. Tambah beliau, PhD ni, nak 2 benda je, (1) it is OUR work, (2) ada original contribution. Meaning, bkn kerja SV kita repeat, and bkn la coming up with a new theory of relativity. Hehe...I feel better coz it suddenly looks like the cloud has parted and nampak mentari!

Sblm aku lupa, dia jg ada suggest aku utk lebih loosey goosey sket, yakni berani kan diri trial and error dgn sound, even if sound yg terhasil itu adalah mcm hampas aje. For instance, try different segment size, different arrangement, then go crazzzyyyyyy..... Kiranya mcm bkn kerja PhD la, but suak2 just utk dpt kan rough idea of things. Ok.. akan dicuba, tp I don't know how much my main SV appreciate this idea, sbb mcm mkn masa study haha... But it doesn't hurt to try.

And now aku nak challo dulu coz it is nice and sunny out, and Hubs and Aisyah are on their way to the lab. I have asked Hubs to be my 1-hour photographer today - I am hoping to be able to produce a photo of me looking very robust, happy, but at the same time having a little geeky, coy look for my artikel yg telah dipilih utk menghiasi ruangan Student Profile dalam newsletter fakulti. Wah mengada2 betul...

Ye la, x kan nak kasi gmbr ni kot? Kes sadis sungguh gmbr nih huhu... Baru aku sedar rupanya gmbr2 aku sorg xde la, semua berkepitttt dgn Aisyah hihi...

High and Dry

Idea utk menulis lately ni mcm non-existent, which explains the increasing dryness of this blog's entry day after day. Sorry la guys. I guess the deeper you get yourselves into your study, the more boring of a person you become. Tu psl Prof2 semua x hap dah. It just saps all the fun quality you have inside of you, serious!

Plus we're stuck in Plymouth and x jalan mana2 pon bcoz of the weather yg sejuk and muram lg suram, so even entry bergambar pon x menarik gmbr2 nya. So, yes, Oyis is officially boring! Utk membuktikan betapa gersang nya keadaan sekarang (plus my Mom kept asking over the phone, dah spring belom?), here are a few pics to show what it's like around here now. See? Masih dahan kosong tiada berbunga...

Can you spot the squirrel?

In terms of work plak, collect data dah siap smlm, tp pre-processing sket2 hari ni x sudah2 lg. Dgn isu format conversion nya, file size nya, nak compress ke x nya, pastu nak automate everything and buat batch processing aje, tp paham2 je la, bila lama sket tinggal scripting tu mula la kepala pusing. I really was hoping to get this done by today, sbbnya from tomorrow till next Sunday, mmg impossible nak squeeze extra time for this, bcoz my schedule is packed. Plus I realized that this 'To Do list' on my wall is slowly yellowing, almaklum lah dah almost a month old now stuck on the wall there, yet I have only managed to scrape two items off it at most!




Patut la my SV smlm masa masuk lab lps ckp 'Hi' dia kata, 'When you are finished, let me know, we'll have a meeting'. Basically, when a SV says that, it directly translates as 'Eh, x siap2 lg ke weih? Bila nak siapnya?' *oh sila panic skang*

Ok la nak get back to work. Will pass this entry to Aisyah the exercize instructor. Speaking of which, I have not exercized for the longest time, and my gym membership needs renewing (but I prolly won't coz I don't have time to use the facilities these days), but I walk E.V.E.R.Y-freaking-W.H.E.R.E, so that ought to count for something la kan ;P

Mula2 get into your exercising gear, including the right shoes

Ok sit yourselves on the floor and start dgn light stretches dulu

Then stretch sebelah kaki ke depan. Try to touch your toes. Look, I do it oh-so-effortlessly!

Then tuck that leg behind, and stretch some more

Now bring both legs forward into a lotus position, and bend !!!

Lower! (babies are so malleable!)

Dah penat ke? Ok la rehat. Sambung lain kali hehe

Soul Music

Duk dalam lab ni macam2 bunyi. Baru sat ni bunyi mcm org kena rasuk, rupanya ada org tgh reharse electroacoustic piece dia thro a 4-channel audio speakers in preparation for the upcoming 2010 Peninsular Arts Music Festival. Terperanjat haku. tau.! Sebenarnya semua org tgh sibuk mereherase and menyiapkan piece masing2, excited nak perform utk festival tu. Acara festival tu can be seen here. Aku je x terlibat (yet), sbb x de musical piece yg kaw2 lg nak perform. Ni yg buat smgt ni. Tools mesti siap tahun ni, sbb nak x nak tahun dpn aku dah tahun 3, aku naakkkkkkk jgk perform sblm balik Msia. By hook or by crook. Projek aku adalah agak hampir dgn projek org yg aku letak video dia kat bawah ni, ahli lab yg sudah pon selamat bergelar Doktor Falsafah akhir 2008 yg lalu. Kalo dpt buat mcm dia kan best? Standing ovation tuh. Ni masa dia main at the 2008 Music Festival, (aku x de lg dlm lab ni masa tu).

Sebenarnya tgh mendownload pelbagai lagu nih. Utk dataset research. Lama weh kerja download satu2 ni. Mati kutu tunggu. Xde ke yg bole copy paste or drag masuk folder kita terus? Lg best kalo bole automate kan aje, ke buat thro batch. Sekali lg aku underestimate masa yg diperlukan utk dataset procurement. Ada kah patut aku ingat sehari bole siap. More like, seminggu, itu pon kalo aku lucky. Huhu..

Ok la nak balik, sbb dah janji ngan Hubs and Aisyah I will spend more time this evening with them, sbb pg td gi Uni awal, ada course on how to use the UoP MySite (intranet page). Saja je gedik tulis jgk sbb dah habit kan heheh. Ok ta!

Year of the Tiger

Harapnya masih belum terlambat nak wish 'Gong Xi Fa Chai' kepada those yg menyambut perayaan Tahun baru Cina. Walaupon di kejauhan, terasa rindu jg dgn suasana kat tanahair pada hari2 perayaan mcm ni, especially tang cuti lama tu la, and tang dpt limau free gi mana2 hehe. Kat sini x de la cutinya, limau kalo nak sendiri kena beli :P

Motif letak gambar roti seketul kat atas tu? Well, ni kan the Year of the Tiger bak kata org cina. Kalo nak tahu, roti kat atas tu namanya 'Tiger Bread'. Bkn jenama dia tiger mcm biskut susu cap Tiger kat Msia tuh, tp jenis roti tu, like we have baguette, hot cross buns, croissant, etc, haa... yg ni namanya tiger bread, sbb badan nya ada stripe mcm rimau. Eh, x tipu ni, betul. Aku baru tahu 3 hari lps akan kewujudan roti ni, yg rupa dan rasa seakan bloomers. Kes kena kempen ngan member2 psl roti ni sedap berbanding yg factory made and commercial tu. Sila la cari di Tesco Malaysia, kalo intrigued dgn roti ni, sbb nya yg aku beli ni kat Tesco jg, tp kat Plymouth le hehe. Kalo readers yg mmg kat UK nak try tu, kat Morrison dgn Asda ada gak jual. GBP1 sahaja. Cuba la...

OK, ni dia Aisyah pakai baju kaum China. Apa nama baju ni ek? Bkn cheongsam kan? For the life of me x ingat apa nama... But doesn't she look like a right and proper little Chinese girl here? X de setitik darah cina pon kitarog (I wish we had, bole la feeling2 oriental gituh), Aisyah ni cap Jowo and Klate, diadun diuli molek2 dalam acuan, gitu la kuar nya rupe Aisyah heheh...




Speaking of Aisyah, skang ni dah menjadi habit aku tetiap malam mesti study dgn dia. Sebenarnya, best jg bed time reading session nih, feeling ala2 omputih gitu. I never bothered to read her the stories yet, sbbnya, her attention span is too short plus I don't think the stories interest her that much to begin with. Instead, I focus on showing her the objects in her books, and pronounce their names, so that she can learn them and expand her vocab.

Usaha ku mendatangkan hasil. Skang Aisyah kalo tgk buku dah x fokus dkt objek yg paling besar dlm page itu aje, dah mula nmpk object2 yg jd side kick duk kat tepi menempel. Cth nya kalo gmbr tu ada hot air ballon yg besar kat tgh2 page, dia dah mula noticed yg ada lebah kat tepi2 bunga, ada burung kat atas pokok, ada lembu kat tepi, etc, dalam page yg sama by showing it with her finger and sebut2 dlm bahasa yg dia sorg paham la.

As for speech development, she can say a few new words hasil kelas tusyen malam2 ngan aku. We're still working on getting her to pronounce 'Baby' as 'Bay... Beee' and she remembers sometimes, but sometimes she still slips and says it as 'Ba.Bi' (Aiyo!).

More words and she recognizes from the books and can imitate from me:

1. Cat - Ka
2. Dog - Do (mcm kita sebut Door)
3. Fish - Eesh
4. Cow - Taw
5. Bee - Bee (Yay, exactly tepat!)

Nampaknya si Aisyah ni baru bole sebut depan2. Ujung2 lum dpt. Sebut Cheese or Chips pon kuar as 'Cheee'. Shoes plak as 'Shee'. Yg paling jelas sebutan dia ialah 'No'. Kadang siap geleng2 kepala atau dgn nada marah lg. Tiada was-was sungguh. Hehe.

Menariknya, dalam sesi kelas malam ngan aku tuh, aku mmg nampak la konsentrasi dia masa nak sebut perkataan2 baru tuh, sbb nya masih tiada dalam database (otak) dia kan. Mula2 kita sebut ulang2, dia senyap je, then dahi dia kerut2 (analyzing) and then bibir dia kemut2 (finding the right vocal tract to follow agaknya), then baru la dia bole sebut dgn sebutan paling hampir (synthesizing). This really, really reminds me of the singing robots in our lab, hasil kajian my SV.

One robot plays the role of initiator, and the other plays the imitator role. The initiator produces a sound. The imitator tries to replicate the sound by selecting the same sound from its repertoire. If the imitator does not yet have the sound in its repertoire, it tries too guess a similar sound using a pre-defined algorithm. Next, the initiator compares the imitator's sound
with the one it originally produced. If the sounds are similar, the initiator-imitator communication is a success. Immediately after the game, both robots update their memories according to the result of the communication. After each round, the robots always add one new random sound each to their repertoire.
(Miranda, The Artificial Life Route to the Origins of Music, 1999).

So in our case, aku la initiator, Aisyah adalah imitator. Aisyah will try to follow my sounds as closely as possible. Kalo Aisyah x pernah dgr sound itu, maka dia akan produce sound yg paling hampir dia mampu bg. Apa pon, sounds yg baru ni akan tersemat di memori beliau, sampai la sound yg lebih hampir bunyi nya dgn sound original yg aku kasi tu dpt disebut, baru la sound yg x berapa mengancam td dipadam, and database beliau di update. Coolness! Pokoknya skang, aku la kena rajin ulang ulang dan ulang, sampai perfecto pitch dia hehehe...

Personally, aku rasa fascinating sbb bole tgk sendiri the cognitive theories yg di apply pada robots is actually the same as the ones that take place in humans, depan mata sendiri plak tu! Arts / Science imitating life sungguh... It just makes things that much more interesting, thus giving me the extra push that God knows I need to read them journals yg bertimbun x kan habis dibaca ittew :P

Ooo... I so love my research! (say it with me everyone, even kalo x berapa believable pon, moga2 masin mulut kita duk sebut2 gini, kerja kita akan jd lebih smooth sailing lepas ni, Amin...)

Idaman Hati

Masa aku belajar kat UPM zaman degree dulu, berpuluh2 helai baju t-shirt UPM dan kolej kediaman aku ada, dari orientasi sampai la graduasi. Mostly bukan la sbb terpaksa, (erm.. ada jgk la sket2, sbb byk kali jadi AJK dan mengikuti aktiviti), tp mmg di dalam diri aku sendiri pon tertanam semangat kekitaan dan bangga pada identiti diri dan komuniti (sense of belonging) yg tinggi, kalo x masakan aku nak join aktiviti2 pelajar yg mmg time consuming itu (sampai received Anugerah Naib Canselor - mengenang kecemerlangan zaman silam sket bole ke? hikhik). Heck, baju2 T-shirt tu semua masih tersimpan elok, even ada sehelai dua yg made its way to UK okeh? Mmg added advantage la sbb baju T lengan panjang.




So it was only natural for me to be gunning for the same kind of T-shirt, or they sell it as hoodies here at the University of Plymouth. You know, the typical every Univeristy hoodies, yg ada the name of the university written in bold letters across the chest tuh. Cantekkkk sgt. Pelbagai kaler ada - merah, biru hijau, hitam, grey tua, grey muda, orange, brown, pink, purple, cyan, lime green, putih, hot pink, you name it, it's there. Dah lama aku usha2, tp x juga beli2. Sbbnya, i have been refraining myself from buying, with a promise (to myself), that when I am officially a PhD student, I will treat myself to it.

You see, a lot of the programmes in the UK don't offer a PhD programme at first, but an MPhil/PhD instead. After an upgrade (examined through the transfer report), baru la they will determine whether or not student itu dan researchnya mencapai taraf utk meneruskan PhD atau setakat MPhil. So it is a very big deal, especially to scholarship receiving students, sbbnya kalo x lps, mungkin sponsors pon suruh balik la kot (nauzubillah!) coz they are funding for a PhD.

Alhamdulillah, last Friday I got the news from my SV. He had first emailed me, but I didn't reply immediately bcoz was out looking after Aisyah since Hubs had gone to Jumaat prayers. But I got back into the lab just in time, for he had personally walked down into the lab to tell us the news. I was so surprised, as the whole process was very quick, I didn't think I'd hear from them until late March or April. The examining and review process normally takes two months to complete. But apparently, according to my SV, I was being examined all this while, and my examiner was actually there in the lecture room when I did my seminar not long ago. In fact, you know when you're doing public speaking, and you get nervous, you're supposed to find the least intimidating face and focus on that person and ignore the rest of the menacing looking crowds to calm your nerves down? Well, org itu adalah my examiner rupanya, yg pada masa itu aku pon x tahu! Kalo tahu, sure nervous. Apa pon, setinggi2 syukur kepada Allah...!




And so, officially, I am a PhD student, and perjuangan ini harus diteruskan kerana byk lg cabaran yg bakal mendatang. Terima kasih kepada semua yg telah mendoakan dan memberikan sokongan moral, keep them coming, I really, really appreciate it and pray that Allah keep al of us in his grace selalu.

And yes, I couldn't run any faster to the Student Union shop to get the hoodies. Lucily Hubs was still around town so I made him turn around and photographed silly me the perkarangan University hihi ;P