1st Clinic Visit

Tghari td gi Klinik Penawar utk buat confirmation tentang pregnancy ni. Ye la, itu ari gi klinik kat Bangi ni pon inconclusive, yg dpt positif HPT tu pon test sendiri. Anyway, aku gi ngan Hubs waktu lunch, rupanya Dr tgh mkn. X pe la, kitaorg tggu la lama sket, tp konfem 1st patient la lps lunch nnt.

Decision utk gi klinik ni adalah drpd saranan K Awien. K Awien ni akak dekat opis aku, yg tg pregnant 2 bulan cam tuh. Kira pregnant buddy aku la ni. Dia la yg rekomen. K Awien pon pernah miscarried gak dulu, lebih kurg waktu sama ngan aku thn lps. Rupa2nye bole wat checkup kat klinik biasa, x yah gi Klinik Kesihatan, cuma kena bukak buku merah cam biasa and provided yg both mother n baby tiada complication la. Ok, that's good news, coz aku malas nak beratur lama2 kat Klinik Kesihatan. Pulak tu aku fobia dah, sbb nnt mengingatkan aku pd time2 yg x best dulu. Aku ni nak kata superstitous tu x tahu la, tp lebih tepatnya trauma kot. That's what a m/c can do to you.

Dlm pkl 2 cam tu Dr masuk. For the first time aku dpt Dr laki utk hal2 berkait ngan pregnancy. Meh aku panggil Dr ni Dr Sy je la. 1st impression aku, Dr Sy ni best. Byk soalan2 aku dia layan. In fact, dia wat aku n Hubs rasa sgt2 selesa. Paling best la, ialah dia punya positive approach. Dia mmg nasihatkan aku supaya jgn fikir yg bukan2, although it's very natural for someone with my history to feel insecure, but it's important to keep thinking positive thoughts. And he scores a few extra points bila dia ckp aku still young, chewah, so there's no reason aku perlu risau tentang this pregnancy. Lepas dekat 1/2 jam ngan dia, dan siap amik obimine kitaorg pon bergerak keluar la dari klinik tu. Dr Sy suh dtg lg next week, nak amik darah etc, kata dia.

So, dgn itu, confirm la aku 5 minggu pregnant. Alhamdulillah...

PhD - Two Steps Fwd, One Step Back

Ari Isnin nye tu, Dekan panggil aku n beberapa staf yg lain yg akan sambung belajar soon. Hasil discussion telah menjadikan aku lebih cuak sbb kuota utk sambung PhD oversea semakin sket. Plus dia sarankan aku kalo bole minta la kat tempat yg top 100 in the THES. Bukan aku x nak, tp aku punya strategi ari tu cari yg paling best dlm area, even if the Uni is not necessarily ranked top 100. X pe la.. cuma mungkin kena start balik from step 1, itu yg sedikit frust tu.

X pe la, kalo ada rezeki aku ada la... Yg penting x leh stress2 sgt skang ni. Kena jaga diri n baby Insya Allah...

The Cat is Out of the Bag

Ok.. so the pee stick showed a positive.

Tapi aku x de masa sgt utk lull over the whole thing coz on Sunday my best cousin K Anis is having her engangement ceremony kat umah Mak aku. So that Saturday aku n Hubs pun kemas2 la beg baju nak bawak baju2 semua utk tido umah mak aku. Sedara mara ada yg dah dtg dah, tolong2 apa yg patut. At this point, aku dah ckp ngan mak aku yg aku mungkin pregnant, tp everyone was being cautious and not too over excited over the news, ye la,.. dah pernah ada mishap sekali kan.

Anyway, rahsia tu x dpt nak disimpan lama pun eh... Malam tu aku konon nak wat sleepover reramai la dlm satu bilik ngan cousin mousin aku yg ada kat umah tu (Hubs tido kat bwh with the guys, kesian...). So dah ramai2 dlm bilik tu, makcik aku suh aku hangkut tilam spring yg tersandar kat tepi dinding tu bawak tarik ke tgh bilik sket. Masa tu la, aku agak hesitant sket, coz tilam tu mmg berat. Dlm dk berkira2 tu, agak confessed aje la ngan makcik aku tu, yg aku sebenarnya kalo bole nak avoid la tarik/angkat benda2 berat buat masa terdekat ni. Alaaaa... org tua kan, cepat aje dia teka.

'Kak Oyis pregnant ke?', tanya dia.

Aku iye kan je la. Wah.. bersorak la cousin mousin aku yg lain. Siap ada yg wat2 merajuk kononnya sampai ati aku x bgtau. Kena la aku ckp yg berita ni baru sgt, lom pon pegi klinik lg. Lg plak x nak la aku steal the spotlight K Anis yg nak bertunang tu kan. Cuma aku minta semua doakanlah kesejahteraan dan keselamatan aku dan kandungan kali ini. Makcik aku siap bg peransang lg, ckp jgn fikir yg negatif. Anggaplah x de kena mengenanya pregnancy yg ni dgn yg lps.

Pagi esok, satu umah pon dpt tahu dah. Lps breakfast tu, masing2 makcik aku bukak citer pengalaman mengandung masing2. Yg paling kelakar, mak K Anis sendiri, yg keja ngan Hospital, siap bgtau masa dia ngandung pernah dia ngidam nak isap rokok. Mmg isap rokok la dia tiap2 kali lps mkn. Nasib kandungan x apa2. Satu cerita yg x kurg kelakarnya lg ialah makcik aku yg sorg lg tu siap x leh dgr org sebut Kota Bharu. Kalo dgr aje mmg jd loya terus muntah. Haish.. mcm2... Wat masa ni aku Alhamdulillah lom ada apa2 alahan lg.

Tghari tu berjalan la majlis pertunangan tu dgn lancarnya. Berseri2 K Anis aku. Aku tumpang gembira ngan cousin aku yg paling baik ni. Dalam majlis tu jugak kawan baik K Anis masa sekolah dulu, K Atiqah dtg. Aku mmg kenal ngan K Atiqah sbb dulu kitaorg sumer satu sekolah. K Atiqah tu tgh pregnant 6 bulan. Ntah camne K Anis terbgtau citer aku pregnant. K Atiqah pon tumpang excited n siap bg peransang and tips la jugak ngan aku. Rupe2nya dia pon pernah miscarried gak dulu, setelah dah lama x de apa2 baru la ada balik.

Kata dia, 'Bukan apa bg nasihat byk2 ni, sbb akak mmg terharu sgt kalo org yg pernah gugur ni pregnant balik. Hanya org yg pernah melalui je la yg tahu...'

I couldn't have agreed more.

WEEK 5 - INFO UPDATE

You are now in your second month of pregnancy and your developing baby is 3 weeks! You might just be finding out that you are pregnant and may have many concerns and questions. Some women still do not realize that they are pregnant yet. You might have already had a positive pregnancy test. Many tests can show a positive test result 10 days after conception, but it is recommended that you wait until you have actually missed your period. The baby has not grown very much from last week and is now approximately 1.25 mm long. You will not `show` yet for some time.

Source:

http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/Pregnancy/calendar/week/5

Prolog Part 3 - Faint Line of Positive

Trying to get life back in order after the one week trip to Kelantan made me forget that it was that time of the month again. Add in another excitement where the a potential supervisor from Plymouth U had agreed on taking me as his student next April, I was elated enough to not think much about anything else.

When I finally did notice, I was two days late, on a Saturday morning. I decided to try a pack of really expensive HPT stick that I had stashed away some time ago which claimed to work 'four days before a missed period'. Surely if there's anything in my belly, the stick would be able to show it with no problem, right? So pee I did.

After 10 minutes, I came to inspect the pee stick. Yup, just as I thought, a nega... what a minute, is that a, could it really be a... positive? If I squinted really hard, I could sorta see the positive, but with a stick that claimed to work 4 days in advance, and here I was two days late already, surely the line would've been darker, right? I mean, even with my very first pregnancy the line on the cheapo test stick was so dark there was no doubt about it.

Confused, I shoved the stick under Hubs' nose so that he could inspect it. He confidently declared it a positive. 'I told you you were pregnant', he'd said in his most non-chalant tone, staring back at the TV like it was no biggie. To me, it a was a REAL biggie, bcoz it the 20the October, a very memorable date. It was my previous pregnancy's last menstrual period (LMP). It was too much of a coincidence and I just couldn't take it.

Feeling even more confused than before taking the test and convinced that I'd been ripped off by the lying, expensive test stick, I quickly put it away and started making breakfast. 'No point in thinking too much about it now when the hcg level is probably too low -- if there's any hcg in my system to begin with', I reasoned.

On Monday, we went to a local clinic in Bangi to have the test repeated. The result was inconclusive. What? Even the Dr couldn't tell if it was a positive or a negative, and this was four days after a missed period. He prescribed pre-natal vits just to be on the safe side and off we went, leaving me feeling even more confused than ever.

I guess the excitement of replying e-mails back and forth with my potential SV helped me put things away, and I survived the last day of the week without taking another test. Aunt Flo was still nowhere to be seen, though. Friday morning, Hubs had asked me to take another HPT, just for the fun of it. I rolled my eyes but obliged. This time, I dug out a really cheapo stick and tested. And the result was ....

Yup, within seconds the positive line appeared. I was, at that point, pregnant. Alhamdulillah....

So that was how th journey started. I would like to confess that I didn't write this straight away in this blog, in fact, this blog was only created when I'd already started my third trimester. At first, I wasn't sure I wanted to share this with the world, and for most part of the pregnancy, I was too lazy to write. However, I've kept a handwritten journal of all the important dates that happened during this nine month journey.

In the end, I thought, I WANT to type this down so that:

1) It can be a keepsake for life.
2) It will constantly serve as a reminder of the Almighty Allah of all His graciousness towards me

3) It can be a read for others out there who are starting the journey or are already on their very own journey to baby.

Please pray with us for a happy and healthy baby!

Prolog Part 2 - Clues?

Now, where was I?

Oh, yeah. Acceptance.

Fast forward to mid-October. Two days before Eid. We were to celebrate Eid at my hometown in Kelantan. We were travelling in two cars; my Dad's and Hubs'. It wasn't a very memorable drive, just like any other trip to Kelantan, it was tiring. But to me, it wasn't just tiring, it was exhausting. It took every energy in me to keep my eyelids opened. It was safe to say I slept around 70% of the total travel time, much to the amazement and annoyance of Hubs who was driving. As a I co-pilot, I was supposed to navigate the way and help keep him alert but it was just too much a task for me to perform.

We arrived around 3 p.m. and I resumed sleeping (this time comfortably on a bed) until 6 p.m. When I woke up, almost everyone had gone out and about already; to Bazaar Ramadhan, to visit family nearby, etc. I was teased as the 'Sleeping Beauty' for sleeping too soundly to notice anything going on. Still, I didn't think to much of it, and blamed it on fasting.

Then it got to the night before Eid. That night, between being asleep and awake, I thought I saw something at the corner of my eye. Then I had a really bad nightmare, which made woke up and switched on the light until morning. When Hubs woke up for Subuh prayer, he asked why all the lights were on. I told him about my nightmare. And the little vision that I wasn't sure what to make of. His response were, 'I think you're pregnant'.

Which would have been totally ridiculous if I hadn't had the same experience the first time I got pregnant. You see, last time, before I even missed my period, I had a vision of something or someone just standing on the foot of my bed. Three days later, I got my positive pregnancy test stick.

I'd dismissed my husband's remark, as I was sure that I wasn't. To be honest, I hadn't tracked the functioning of my body since my last period in September. It was a weird cycle; for a start, it was late, then there was little blood in comparison to 'my' standard. My Mom and I were close, and when I mentioned this crazy cycle to her awhile back, she'd said, 'Everytime that happened to me, my period would cease to come the next month and I'd get pregnant.' Oookay... but mothers are like that. They always say things that are supposed to encourage you, so I rolled my eyes and let it pass at that.

Anyway, getting back to the story, it was Eid. So I celebrated. And visited families and friends and forgot all else. On the second day of Eid, my beloved anklet that I wore in remembrance of my lost angel (read about it here) had snapped its clasp. I was a bit upset, but nothing can be done as the jewellers were closed for Eid. After breakfast, we headed back to my Dad's village, and met a cousin of mine, Kak Nah, who was a really good Tukang Urut so I sort of let her messaged me. She commented something about my uterus, but I wasn't paying too much attention. According to her, my urat (nerves?) were all over the place and that she'd corrected them in place all for me.

Nothing much to write about the third day of Eid. On the fourth day, me and a bunch of us cousins went to Jeram Pasu. I thought we were just going to sit back and relax at the base of the waterfall, where it was most packed, but no, the guys wouldn't settle for some baby play area and wanted to climb up higher and higher to a secluded place. Here I was, unprepared for the climb, in my Eid sandals (okay, very dumb), huffing and puffing trying to catch up with the guys. At that point, I could feel my exhaustion had made a comeback, and I couldn't help but wonder, 'What if ...?' Argghh.. this whole 'not-trying-not-preventing' stage was playing with my head too much, but once we got to the higher ground, I began to let loose and enjoyed myself. I shrugged all thoughts off and told myself, if it was meant to be, it would be...

The next morning, we headed back to KL via the Cameron Highland route. Unlike the trip back to Kelantan, this time I was alert and awake most of the time and thought nothing more of it. Maybe I should've been able to pick up clues along the line already; like the unexplainable exhaustion, constant fatigue, the dream / vision, the broken clasp on my anklet, etc, but I was too oblivious. Besides, what mattered then was that I had a splendid time in Kelantan and life was good. But I had no idea it was about to get better ;)

Prolog

Hmmm... where exactly do I begin?

I guess I'd better at the very beginning, before the journey to baby even started, or even contemplated at all.

In June 2005, my husband and I got married. I was 24, he was 29. I was deep in my Master of Science study, so we had understood from early on that this journey would not take heed any time soon. Not the very Malay approach, but it was best for us at the time.

After a year being married, we gave a thought over the possibility of venturing down the road. Although quite unsure at first, we'd decided that if things were meant to be, we would be more than delighted. Around October, whilst I was finishing off my thesis writing, we got pregnant for the very first time. Of course, we were over the moon. Without elaborating too much here (for the past had hurt so much), it would be suffice for me to say that it didn't work out. At 10 weeks, on Thursday 28th Oct, I spotted dark brown blood and found out I was miscarrying. The next morning, I'd undergone a D&C at Hospital Pakar An-Nur. You can read the longer version here.

Unfortunately, I had bled so bad from the procedure that the Dr ordered us to abstain from sex for a full month and not to try again for another additional three coz my little uterus was 'fragile'. I guess it's true when they say that you never know what you've got until you've lost it, and that made me wanting to resume where things had oh-so abruptly ended. Still, I was quite cautious about this issue as I was (still) finishing off my postgrad study.

Turned out I needed not worry as God had decided that we weren't yet ready. For the months that followed, time after time again something would come up when it was the best time to 'get jiggy with it'. Although we weren't trying per se, I knew that my body worked like clockwork and I wasn't cluless when it came to pinpointing when I was fertile. The method worked well for us without a glitch for the first year of marriage, didn't it ? To suit a different purpose, yes, but still effective nonetheless.

As I was saying, something always came up. For instance, in April, the first month after the 'forbidden city' had re-opened again (for one single visitor, that is, if I may so stress... teeheee.. hah.. dare I make a joke of it now), Hubs had promotional work done in Libya. In May, I was too absorbed with my viva voce to care about anything else in the world. In June, I camped out at Ulu Sepri, Negeri Sembilan, attending a Biro Tata Negara Course in preparation for my Phd. Then July came and again, I was too busy with thesis corrections after viva and another week-long PhD prepatory course.

Before we knew it, September was here. Hubs birthday was on the 22nd, and on that date, I was two days late. I told you before that my body worked like clockwork, so naturally I was a little giddy. And curious. And anxious. And stressed out. Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but Aunt Flo came for her regular visit the next evening on the 23rd. A little late, and a lot less in quantity than usual, but still there. Bummer. It would've made a perfect birthday present for Hubs. Oh, well...

By this time, I had already completed my MSc and my focus had turned to my PhD application. I'd aimed to do my PhD in a university overseas ASAP, as the fight for scholarship was extremely fierce and it was given out on a first-come-first-serve basis (since most candidates were equally good). Hubs and I had decided that we'd go on another hiatus soon, to give the time and space for me to focus on my PhD. For the first time after the miscarriage, we were truly pasrah, and redha, that we were probably not going to see the stick turn positive anytime soon.

Okay, I'll stop here at the point where I have entered the acceptance stage coz it seems like a good parting note. Now go read part 2 of this Prolog :)