Mixed Emotion on Eid This Year

Rasa2 ramai yg dah balik kg utk beraya kan? Hari ni hari Ahad, mungkin hari terakhir berpuasa buat tahun ni kalau esok rayalah. Raya tahun ni kami tak balik Klate. Raya kat rumah Ayah je on first day, which is about 20 minutes from our house.

Raya tahun ni agak mellow lah aku rasa. Sbb nya, ni first raya yg takde arwah Umi bersama. Aku pun kalau tak kena tazkirah dgn Hubs, rasa mcm malas nak sambut, but he said that ni hari kemenangan buat org Islam, and Allah dah suruh bergembira tu, kenalah sambut seadanya. And also teringatkan the children, Aisyah terutama selalu duk ckp, 'Kakak happy sangat nak raya!'. So kena la put effort sket, although effort aku tu tak termasuk gentel kuih biskut. Tukar langsir semua tak masuk senarai. Aku rasa nak kemas rumah Ayah sket and then isi kuih beli dalam balang, isi duit dlm sampul and then prepare utk masak2 for tomorow morning. Possibly main bunga api mlm ni for the sake of the children. Baju raya pun yg betul2 baru 2 psg je. Yg lain2 kami recycle baju yg sedia ada. So mmg konsep sederhana gile tahun ni.

Kawan2 ramai jg yg pujuk kena be strong for the children lah, kena make Ayah happy lah, tapi mmg senang bercakap daripada nak buat tu, apatah lg kalau yg menasihat tu takde experience kehilangan ibu atau ayah pun lg, duk recycle ayat2 dlm drama. Aku jd agak bengang mulanya, tp kena la ingatkan diri sendiri, awakward situation mcm ni, susah org nak say the right things, and I admit, apa org ckp pun semua wrong dah pada aku. So, diam2 je lah and embrace the fact that life goes on. Mujur jg ada a few person I spoke to yg dah alami the loss and they totally understood it. 'It takes a few years to feel like raya again', kata mereka, 'but it will never, ever be the same anymore.' 

It's not so much about missing the person you love. In my case, my Mom. I mean, I've celebrated four Eids in a row without her by my side masa belajar kat UK, and not once did I menumpahkan air mata di pagi Syawal, because I knew she was well and fine and the phone was there just to say a quick Hello. The real sadness is the after effects of the departure. Nak raya, a Mom would have kerah all her children and barked out orders, 'Ganti langsir', 'Basuh kipas', 'Lap cermin tingkap', 'rebus ketupat', etc.. etc... With her gone, we are kinda lost. What to do? Where to start? Pengukusnya mana? Balang biskut itu hari simpan mana? Why does my rendang taste off? etc... etc... Being the only anak perempuan, and anak sulung plak tu, there is no harder moment to face the reality of her passing than on raya morning. I'm thankful that I have sisters-in-law, and together we will make raya a raya, albeit a watered down version. Lord, help me pull myself together this Eid...

Also, a Mom is usually the strong figure who decides what the plan is on Raya. 'Mula2 gi rumah A, then gi rumah B, etc.. etc... Without her, kitaorg tak tahu nak start kat mana. Duk rumah je lah kot. Apatah lg selalunya kitaorg balik Kelantan sbb sedara mara semua kat sana lg. This year tak balik, so again, a change in the routine so we are quite lost as to where to start or what to expect of the day (we wanted to visit her Kubur on the day antara sbb tak balik - bukanlah tak pernah pegi Kubur waktu lain, but the thought of celebrating far away from her is quite unbearable). Nak gi celebrate kat Putrajaya pulak Dato Najib tak buat open house utk rakyat katanya tahun ni, so memerap je lah rasanya. Hmm... Lord, help me and family have a decent Eid this year...

Then there's other happy people we have to sort of deal with. Yg stock bergelak ketawa riang ria. Yg buat lawak laser. Coming from the south, my husband's side of the family can be quite loud, so I don't know if that will irk me off. Selalunya tak rasa apa2, but when I don't feel up for it, I don't know if I can stand it. Lord, me not lose my cool when time comes...

I will try to be happy, like so many have suggested, but deep down inside it's not easy. How can I be happy bila kita tahu pada hari kemenangan kita tu, ahli kubur pun dah takde pelepasan daripada seksaan Kubur dah sbb Ramadhan dah berlalu? How can I be jolly above ground when I don't know what my Mom's fate is like six feet under? How can I beraya hingga sebulan if in two weeks time it will be the first anniversary of her death? Lord, forgive my Mom of her wrong doings... 

Sorry if this is depressing but I'm writing this down because it helps me to get things off my chests. It's hard talking to others who don't seem to understand. Of course, I will try to brave up and face Raya with a positive attitude, but if you caught a shadow on my face on the day, please understand that it is not easy. At least I am trying.

As a start, I would like to wish,

'SELAMAT HARI RAYA, MAAF ZAHIR BATIN'.

Lord, help me be strong during this festive period.