End of Quest

Have been neglecting my blog for awhile now. Mula2 tu x sihat, then when Ramadhan started, mmg super busy. Ye la, mana nak kejar utk berbuka, taraweh, get the children ready for bed, prepare sahur lg. Tambahan pula, minggu ni dah 3 hari berbengkel saja kerjanya, so all out 8 am - 5pm xde masa nak mengular di alam maya. Even waktu lunch plak kitaorg join tadarus, then aku sempat melarikan diri utk bg Zayd direct feed susu badan sbb sejak posa hasil susu aku merudum teruk sampai tahap 2 oz je bila pam, so utk menambahkan supply and make sure Zayd x kebulur, kena la balik utk susukan dia. Badan pon letih awal2 so better rehat aje, maklumlah yg demam hari tu pon x brp sembuh lg.

TAPIII... gagahkan jua tulis entry ni, bcoz I received a very important email.

Alhamdulillah, Syukur padaMu ya Allah....!

Masa baca emel tu, of coz I was stuck in the bengkel, without a laptop or any means of connecting to the Internet (me no got smartphone yet). So time break tu, I asked my colleague yg duk sblh if I could use her laptop (which she had smartly smuggled masuk dlm dewan) just to check my emails, in case students ada contact coz mmg budak2 ni ada owe assignment dgn aku. 

Imagine my surprise bukak2 emel kuar statement yg di atas. Dgn x semena2 badan aku jadik cam terketar2. so I excused myself masuk surau and then did a Sujud Syukur, followed by Sunat Dhuha. Masa rakaat yg ke-last tu I started to become emotionally overwhelmed, and that's putting it mildly lah. Okay, okay, I confessed, I SOBBED. I sobbed and cried like a 5 year-old who lost her puppy. 

At that moment, my PhD journey played back like it was movie in my head. 

I saw myself kelek Aisyah ke hulu ke hilir in the cold when she was just no bigger than Zayd.

I saw myself bgn mlm tending to Aisyah (teething!) and then sambung bercekang mata nak siapkan deadline.

I saw myself crying in frustration over programming errors and bugs that i had no clue of how to fix.

I saw myself berpeluh2 guna segala kudrat tenaga tolak cleaning trolley when I had to work as a cleaner just to make ends meet bcoz the scholarship was barely covering our cost of living.

I saw myself braved the night facing drunks on the street masa balik rumah pkl 1 pg sbb stay back kat lab coz siangnya I had to take care of Aisyah while Hubs worked becoz we couldn't afford full-time nursery.

I saw myself (and Hubs) 'ikat perut' dan berjimat cermat and even tolak most invitations from friends utk makan luar bcoz we had to skimp on lavish food. 

I saw myself declining various social invitations bcoz I didn't have any time for leisure, sometimes mistaken for being 'sombong'.

I saw myself walking uphill in the cold everywhere bcoz we had no car.

I saw myself berteleku di meja in my lab for hours, day in, day out.

I saw myself with Aisyah as my sidekick everywhere - the library, the shop, the printing office, presentations, seminars.

I saw myself hunched over the laptop, typing my thesis furiously, with arms that slowly stretched further and further away from my keyboard everyday as my tummy grew larger as I was carrying Zayd.

I saw myself staying up late at night as everyone was asleep, adamant to meet the deadline.

I saw myself (attempting to) walk across the Uni ground with a huge basketball under my shirt (Zayd, kamu sgt besar okeh?)

I saw myself typing the thesis on the bed when it got to the point that the chair at my office desk was starting to give my very pregnant self a backache.

I saw myself typing the thesis in thick coat and wrapped in duvet as it was winter but we couldn't foot the huge heating bill.

I saw myself dropping Aisyah at after school care, sacrificing a huge portion of our savings just so I could have a few more extra hours working in solidarity. 

I saw myself walking hands-in-hands with Hubs that cold January morning to my viva room. He stopped just outside of the room and gave me the look that says, 'I believe in you'.

I saw myself looking like a crazed woman in confinement (errr... I guess I didn't just look like the crazed woman in confinement, I WAS the crazed woman in confinement) pushing myself to sort out the corrections even though I clearly was not at my best.

It all just kept playing over and over in my head.

I must've looked like a wreck bcoz my colleague was quite concerned after and she asked if I was alright. Hehe...

Truth is, I think this is more emotional than my viva bcoz with the viva, I was already exhausted answering the examiners that it didn't quite sink in when they said I'd passed. My mind was also half-occupied at the time sbb nak balik Msia dah in 4 days, dgn nak beranak lg, so kegembiraan tu x de la terzahir sgt. Plus, result viva instantaneous, abis je viva dpt tau terus lulus ke x. So feeling tu mcm masih kat awang2an lg. Also, dah tahu ada pembetulan lg, so it didn't feel like dah tamat betul. 

With thesis correction ni, I have been nervously waiting to hear from my examiner after I have re-submitted my thesis. There is always a chance that it has not been corrected up to the satisfactory level and kena tambah lg, so mmg all the while berdoa sgt semoga pembetulan diterima as it was, bcoz to be honest, aku dah x larat nak buat lg now that I have started working and family pon kena jaga jg. So the waiting tu part yg menyakitkan dan mendebarkan. And when they let you know yg everything dah diterima, it means it's finished. Selesai. Tak payah buat kerja apa lagi dah on the thesis lps ni. Tggu scroll sahaja. The relief, Allah sahaja yg tahu.

Masa tgh drive tghari tu dgr plak lagu Tegar 'Aku yg dulu bukanlah yg sekarang' kat radio kereta. Sekali lg nanges. Ntah apa2. Kalah wanita mengandung yg hormonal. Tp bait2 lirik dia ada jgk la membuatkan aku rasa tersentuh,walaupon skang hidup bukanlah senang mana pon sgt... 

'.. bersyukurlah pada Yang Maha Kuasa

memberi jalan utk semua

hidupku dulu seorg pengamen

pulang malam selalu bawa uang recehan

mengejar cita-cita paling mulia,

membantu keluarga di rumah

sekolah dulu ngak punya biaya

terpaksa ku harus mencari nafkah

tetapi aku tak berputus asa

pasti Yang Kuasa memberi jalannya...'

Aku rasa yg buat tambah emo tu sbb I realised, when I started this journey 4 years ago, Aisyah was only 4 1/2 months old. And I finished this journey just as Zayd turned 4 1/2 months old. It feels like a closure.

That's all I wanted to share today. Sorry for the self-centred post and for being too emotional. I couldn;t help but shed another tear as I wrote this entry. I know I'm a wuss for crying, but I couldn't help it. That's 4 years worth of work and a lifetime worth of permanent head damage we are talking about!

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, walillahilhamd...