Off My Chest

Hari ni, Jumaat (21/12/2012), hari terakhir Aisyah bersekolah buat tahun ni. Tahun depan, 2013, In Shaa Allah, dia masih sempat bersekolah for a couple of weeks, before kena leave school for good utk balik Msia. So skang aku dlm mode sedih, sebak, pilu, campur2. 

Lately aku mmg dah terasa la aura2 nak balik Msia tu. Tak dinafikan, mmg sedih sgt2. Maklumlah, tempat jatuh lg dikenang. Inikan pula tempat bermastautin selama 4 thn lebih lama nya. Sebenarnya, sedih aku ni lebih kepada Aisyah. Utk diri sendiri tu ada la jg, tp aku dah biasa. Sebelum buat PhD ni pon, bbrp belas tahun dahulu dah pernah menetap di UK utk 3 thn lebih, buat O-Levels dan A-Levels pada masa tu, so aku dah bole agak mcm mana rasa sedih dia, dan mcm mana rasa transition yg akan berlaku awal2 balik Msia nanti. The first few weeks mmg akan rasa mcm blur2 dan x tahu nak start kat mana, but In Shaa Allah bole handle. Cuma the heat je lah, Masha Allah, will get to us, if I remember correctly from masa balik cuti2 tahun 2010 hari tu (air-cond 24 jam for several days!!!). 

But, bila tgk wajah mulus anak, rasa kasihan dan tertanya2 mcm mana penerimaan dia nanti. So far, bila borak2 topik balik Msia je, air muka dia mmg berubah. Dia mmg x nak. Mula2 dulu dia ingat balik Msia ni, as in pegi holiday kot. Dia suka aje nak jumpa Nek Mi, Tok dan cousin2 dia semua. Bila explain betul2, nak 'move' to Msia, dia mcm jd unhappy sket. Although she is only 4 yrs old, ckp dia mmg mcm budak2 besar, sbb aku slalu ajak sembang kot. Antara statement2 yg dia pernah ckp regarding this matter are, 'I don't want to go back to Msia. The children there won't like me', or 'I don't want new friends. I want my old friends', or 'I don't want to go to a new school. I like this school'. Dia dah slalu2 ckp tahun dpn dia masuk Year 1 (naik kelas kat sini). Paling heavy, smlm dia ckp, 'I don't want to start a new life'. Mana hati x robek?

Tidak lah ini bermakna aku ni ibarat kacang lupakan kulit. Bukan jg aku implying that UK is so much better than Msia, sampaikan x reti2 nak balik. Juga jgn lah kalo ada family member yg baca, sampai kecik hati. Aku tau diorg tgh counting days ni bila la kapal terbang kami nak mendarat di KLIA. Kami pon excited nak reunite. Cuma, it's never easy to make a change kan? We have been so complacent with this lifestyle now, and tiba2 nak uproot is just madness, I feel. Aisyah apatah lg. Though she wasn't born here, she entered this country at age 4 months. As far as she is concerned, THIS IS HOME. Kalo tanya dia pon, dia kata dia berbangsa 'English'. English is her main language, Plymouth is home, there are four seasons in a year, and never forget to put on your coat before you head out. Her first tooth, first steps, first school, first friends, and countless of other firsts, were all  made here. Her entire life (thus far) is here.  

Don't get me wrong, of course la excited nak balik jumpa family, nak settle down, nak fokus on family, work, nak beraya, nak balik kg, nak expose anak kpd Islam dgn lebih lg, and top of all, kalo balik dgn jaya nya mmg syukur tidak terkata coz that's what we came here for... but, God, I can't say I won't miss this place. 

Aku tahu, bkn anak aku sorg je kena melalui. Beribu2 lg anak2 org lain yg sama2 ikut mak pak belajar or kerja dan kena balik Msia go through the same thing. Like I said, me and my adik beradik did too. In fact, kami melalui nya bbrp kali. Masa aku baya Aisyah pon, kena separated with friends jgk, from Virginia, USA balik Msia, then later pada usia remaja tu from UK balik Msia. Tapi, penerimaan budak ni lain2, and I know my child, dia ni agak sensitif sket jiwa nya. Setengah budak 2 minggu terus bole adapt, setengah tu amik masa yg lebih lama. I myself have seen the effect of balik Msia on my two brothers, mmg efek jgk la academically and also self-esteem yg destroyed sket sbyk. Of course, it takes time nak put your feet in the ground kan, find new friends, be comfortable with the weather, food, catch up with the language, school work, etc, etc... Moga2 kami tabah.

My mom ckp aku ok je masa dibawak balik from USA dulu (baya2 Aisyah). I hope dia pon mcm aku, and I hope aku pon strong jg. Masa balik from UK dulu (post-A Levels), mmg I thought the world was unfair la (kes x nak balik sbb ada offer utk sambung degree undergrad di UK, tp x dak funding). Now dah x la, x de sbb nak rebel kan, dah lebih matang kan eheh. Semoga Allah permudahkan segala urusan kami, sebelum balik dan selepas dah balik nnt.

Hubs kalo entry2 mcm ni mmg ni muak, aku tahu. Maybe even mengundang tindakan tatatertib drpd beliau kjp lg (me might get a spanking, ouch! :P).  Even aku ckp aku sedih mengenangkan nasib Aisyah pon, dia bo-layan. Siap takut2kan aku dgn cerita2 org fail viva dsb nya, i.e. don't waste my energy pikir psl benda x leh ubah, baik pikir strategy utk lulus cemerlang dgn viva, something that I CAN and SHOULD be working for (his way of distracting me from sedih2, suruh takut2 dan gabra plak). Typical Martian betul org laki nih, x tahu ke us girls mmg mull over things yg sedih2 for a good while, then cry a good bucketful, tp lps tu baru la dtg kekuatan dari dlm. Tu la, org suh baca buku 'Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus' by John Gray, dia mencebik aje. Ish ish... tapi aku tetap tulis gak entry ni, sbb aku tau, bbrp hari ni je aku sedih2, after this, aku mesti dah x sempat nak syahdu2 sgt. With packing, shipping, terminating services, persediaan viva, and ultimately making our way to London to board on that flight, dah konfem x sempat nak pikir dah psl syahdu syahdan ni. So biar lah perasaan ini sempat didokumentasikan sblm tertimbus dgn segala mcm tugas lagi. At least bila dah siap tulis ni, rasa mcm ada closure sket, perhaps will get me working on my viva preparation. 

Ok, half an hour 'till home time utk pick up Aisyah. I'll end this post with a nostalgic picture of me (and my brother and mom, and another brother dlm perut ibuku, circa 1987, dpn Embassy of Malaysia di USA). Bless me mum, she is younger than my now age in this picture, and already anak nak masuk tiga org, semua handle di luar negara and jauh from family plak tu! Anyway, point is, since she said it wasn't big a deal utk anak2 adapt lps balik ke Msia and I guess she must right seeing what I fine younfg lady I turned out to be after being uprooted at 6 years old (hehe), I hope Aisyah won't be scarred for life too :)

PS: Comel x aku Ada iras x aku masa kecik and Aisyah skrg? 

PSS: Oh, oh, ni entry aku yg ke-1000. Woot woot!!!!