It's been six months since Umi left us. Sometimes, it still feels so surreal. We haven't really put away her stuff yet. I don't know, I guess part of us is still in denial. Honestly, it sometimes feels like any day now she will walk back into our lives and life will resume like how it was six months ago.
Oh, how things have changed! How is it possible that the very same house looks and feels so different after her departure? That's the effect that a doting mother and wife has on a family home.
Last night I dreamed of her again. It was us family doing things together, and she was there. She didn't say anything, but she looked like she'd always had when she was with us. And every time she came up in one of my dreams, I would wake up feeling a mixture of emotions. Happy to see the face that I miss, but sad that it was only a dream that ended too soon.
Needless to say, I miss her. So, so much.
I try to be strong, and on most parts, I am successful. But sometimes, late at night like tonight (it's 2.45 am, but I'm forcing myself to stay awake bcoz Zayd has been throwing up since 9 p.m., so I feel better if I monitor him while he sleeps), I stayed up and wondered, 'Why?'
I know, I know. God has planned it this way. And I have accepted it as a fact, but the way she left was so sudden (she hadn't even been ill for two weeks), we didn't really have enough time to comprehend the fact that she's gone forever. And she was so young. She only lived to be fifty-six.
I look back into my pics folder, and randomly clicked under the file 'February 2013' (a year ago). Oh what a happy, happy time (Husna's Aqiqah - my niece). Then there was Muhaimin's 2nd birthday. Why wouldn't we be happy? We had just rejoiced with our home coming in January 2013, three more grandbabies were on its way set for 2013, and oh the yummy food. Just how immaculately clean and organised the house was. The space radiated of warmth, and love, and happiness. But did we know at the time that she would've been gone in six months time (she left in August)? Certainly not. There wasn't a sign, or at least none that we noticed of.
I shouldn't let myself get carried away in writing like this. It can be very destructive. But I guess this is an outlet. Other than my SIL who has also lost her mom in 2012 (I have no sisters, see) I rarely grieve to anyone so openly. Not even Hubs. You know how it is, guys don't do heart-to-heart well enough, and I don't feel connected talking about it to someone whose parents are still alive. People who haven't gone through this usually becomes very awkward when the topic arises, and people expect you to suck it up and move on, not to wallow for long. Which is also why I don't talk to my friends either (most of them still have their parents around). I see them planning birthdays for their Moms, or casually having lunch dates or couriering their Moms around on short errands during their lunch breaks, or conveniently leaving their kids for an hour or two with Grandma while they get things sorted (like me, most of my friends live within 20 minutes drive from their parents, so our lives very much intertwined with our parents), and I feel that familiar pang of loneliness all over again.
It's 3.13 am now. I'm going to stop here. Zayd is sleeping much better now, I think I can have a little shut eye too.