My Mental State...

Begini lah rupa mental state aku slps perjumpaan dgn SV td. Last jumpa sebelum posa. Mmg typical practice di UK bulan summer SV x jumpa2, diorg cuti, kitaorg dia expect keja. Kalo nak tgk dgn lebih teliti lg apa benda yg aku fikirkan skang, sila jgn sekat2 nafsu utk menzoomkan lg dgn mengklik pd gmbr berikut:

Malas nak ulas panjang sbb mcm down sket dgn diri sendiri. Ingatkan bole siap la mintak jumpa 2nd week in September (kira extend la tu, kalo x rasanya Prof nak suh jumpa last week ajo), tp sbb towards the end baru realize ada data x yg normalize (or standardize, whichever terminology you want to use), maka terpaksa la regress balik dan betulkan semua data2 tu. Pastu, amik masa semula utk re-test pakai data yg baru ni. Then re-plot graph2 semua, baru la bole nak analyze lebih kurg. Harapannya siap sampai ke report writing utk this particular test, huh, testing pon x sempat habis, so present je lah apa yg ada.

Tp yg bestnya, SV aku ni jenis cool. Dia x melenting, jauh lg nak sindir2. Plak tu dia very good mood, sbb smlm dia dah menang University of Plymouth's Vice Chancellor Award bagi kategori World Class Researcher. Aku mmg dah duk berdoa2 dah semuga dia menang, sbb kalo dia kalah sudah pasti dia ada hangin lebih dalam badan dan berbulu dgn telatah research separa siap dan tercongek2 spt aku ni. ALhamdulillah, doaku makbul. Tp dia mmg ada merit yg kuat utk menang pon. Even hasil kerja dia telah pon dah menaikkan nama UoP dimana ianya tercalon dan shortlisted utk meraih anugerah drpd Times Higher Education Awards. Student dia yg manja ni aje kurg superb.

Ok, back to the point. Byk yg di diskas kan hari ni. Dkt 40 minit jg lah, walau mcm x de sgt nak present tu. Di sini aku nak list kan kesimpulan nya, utk rujukan aku sendiri dan sapa2 yg rasa benda ni relevan. Here goes:

1) BE BOLD.

* You've been working on this for three years. You have it in you. Flush it out.

* Do not copy or be based on other people's work. You're working towards a Doctor of Philosophy, put YOUR philosophy in.

--- Ye, aku sedar. Aku ni penakut nak mampus. Selalu teragak2 nak buat kerja. Pastu masih berlagak mcm student PhD tahun satu. Terpinga2. Pastu slalu sibuk nak tgk2 model org lain. Aku patutnya meng-adopt Usop Wilcha's 'Ada Aku Kesah' thinking, and get on with my own model dgn penuh konfiden. Tp aku still rasa mcm x yakin nak tampilkan idea aku sendiri. Kalo tgk org x de buat lg, rasa mcm tentu x bagus ek, kalo x nape org xde org buat, ye dok? Aku rasa ni masalah dgn byk student Asia, sbb kita dari kecik diajar terlalu hormat pada guru2. Cikgu dan buku2 x pernah salah. X bole nak berhujah. X bole nak berfikir secara kritis, x bole nak keluarkan idea di luar kotak. Ckp lebih2 nnt ada re-percussion nya. X yah cerita budak sekolah la, dah tua bangka pon masih berlaku dgn berleluasa lg situasi ni nak2 ko keja gomen mcm aku, ops di luar konteks plak!.

2) YOU ALREADY ARE HAVE A WORKING A MODEL

* Forget all these cognitive and memory models. You are in the MUSIC ENGINEERING field. His (another student di bawah supervision my SV, tp dah grad 3 thn dulu) work was more theoretical and had a lot of models because he needed to justify the lack of empirical data bcoz it was creative-based. YOU, on the other hand, need to have enough data to support your work, not more models to follow.

* How to write a MUSIC ENGINEERING thesis: tell them what you want to do and tell them how you did it.

-- Ni satu lg. Aku ni buat research mengikut methodology lalang kekdahnya. Baca keja A, condong ke arah A. Baca kerja B, condong ke arah B plak. Bole??? Then siap bertukar identiti diri pon ada jgk, kalo dah baca or berada dlm zone art or music lama2, terus lupa diri. Ingat diri ni buat DMus agaknya. Bahaya betul. Nasib ada SV, dpt la reality check sesekali.

3) RUN, AS FAST AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN

* Work with what you have (dataset, feature set). Do NOT add anymore, but do a few runs in the end with one or two different data, just to show that your work is compatible.

* Complete the experiment. AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

-- Aku ada tendency utk rasa mcm dataset x cukup, or mungkin kah perlu tambah feature lg, bg lebih kukuh sket ke test ni, even dah peringkat tgh2 running ni. Hah, td dah kena basuh ngan SV, supaya padamkan lah saja niat tu, tu semua syaitan yg tanamkan was-was dlm hati (eh, ni ayat aku tokok tambah, tp mmg kalo kita was2 dlm solat or second guessing tu slalu nya mmg keje setan la kan?). Stick to plan, Oyissss, stick to plannnnn.... tasks yg dah ada pon ko x dpt nk siap2 kan, bijak bestari apakah yg ko nak gi tambahkan lg dlm to do list ko yg tiada rupa nak surutnya itu?

4) WRITE, WRITE, WRITE, AND YOU'LL SEE WHAT'S RIGHT

* Do not read anymore. It is time to start thinking about WRITING. The only reading you need to do is now when you need more material to support your writing.

--Message clear, boss. Kalo setakat berlegar2 dlm kepala idea atau knowledge yg setinggi Mount Everest pon, x kan dpt PhD punya kalo x ditranscribe kan onto paper. Aku rasa aku mmg liat nak writing sbb aku suka tggu result ada baru sedap nak mengarang, which he understood, so katanya, then siapkan lah experiment tu cpt2, jgn get sidetracked dgn benda2 lain spt reading lg. Oh kantoi di situ. Ye, kdg2 I read bcoz I want to stall on the more important stuff. Procrastinator tahap dewa, or sindrom takut nak berjaya pon aku x tahu la kategori mana aku ni.. A painful realization indeed.

Ok. Officially rasa mcm biggest PhD loser kjp. Tp sbb it's Friday night, perasaan tu x lama pon bertempek di jiwa. Or maybe sbb kurg tido, aku x de feeling sgt, nmpk bantal aje heheh. Xpe, janji insofff. Monday kita start plan tindakan strategik kita naaaaa....

Sbg penutup, ingat, Be Confident.

“Confidence comes not from always being right but from NOT fearing to be wrong.” ~Peter T. Mcintyre