Prolog

Hmmm... where exactly do I begin?

I guess I'd better at the very beginning, before the journey to baby even started, or even contemplated at all.

In June 2005, my husband and I got married. I was 24, he was 29. I was deep in my Master of Science study, so we had understood from early on that this journey would not take heed any time soon. Not the very Malay approach, but it was best for us at the time.

After a year being married, we gave a thought over the possibility of venturing down the road. Although quite unsure at first, we'd decided that if things were meant to be, we would be more than delighted. Around October, whilst I was finishing off my thesis writing, we got pregnant for the very first time. Of course, we were over the moon. Without elaborating too much here (for the past had hurt so much), it would be suffice for me to say that it didn't work out. At 10 weeks, on Thursday 28th Oct, I spotted dark brown blood and found out I was miscarrying. The next morning, I'd undergone a D&C at Hospital Pakar An-Nur. You can read the longer version here.

Unfortunately, I had bled so bad from the procedure that the Dr ordered us to abstain from sex for a full month and not to try again for another additional three coz my little uterus was 'fragile'. I guess it's true when they say that you never know what you've got until you've lost it, and that made me wanting to resume where things had oh-so abruptly ended. Still, I was quite cautious about this issue as I was (still) finishing off my postgrad study.

Turned out I needed not worry as God had decided that we weren't yet ready. For the months that followed, time after time again something would come up when it was the best time to 'get jiggy with it'. Although we weren't trying per se, I knew that my body worked like clockwork and I wasn't cluless when it came to pinpointing when I was fertile. The method worked well for us without a glitch for the first year of marriage, didn't it ? To suit a different purpose, yes, but still effective nonetheless.

As I was saying, something always came up. For instance, in April, the first month after the 'forbidden city' had re-opened again (for one single visitor, that is, if I may so stress... teeheee.. hah.. dare I make a joke of it now), Hubs had promotional work done in Libya. In May, I was too absorbed with my viva voce to care about anything else in the world. In June, I camped out at Ulu Sepri, Negeri Sembilan, attending a Biro Tata Negara Course in preparation for my Phd. Then July came and again, I was too busy with thesis corrections after viva and another week-long PhD prepatory course.

Before we knew it, September was here. Hubs birthday was on the 22nd, and on that date, I was two days late. I told you before that my body worked like clockwork, so naturally I was a little giddy. And curious. And anxious. And stressed out. Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but Aunt Flo came for her regular visit the next evening on the 23rd. A little late, and a lot less in quantity than usual, but still there. Bummer. It would've made a perfect birthday present for Hubs. Oh, well...

By this time, I had already completed my MSc and my focus had turned to my PhD application. I'd aimed to do my PhD in a university overseas ASAP, as the fight for scholarship was extremely fierce and it was given out on a first-come-first-serve basis (since most candidates were equally good). Hubs and I had decided that we'd go on another hiatus soon, to give the time and space for me to focus on my PhD. For the first time after the miscarriage, we were truly pasrah, and redha, that we were probably not going to see the stick turn positive anytime soon.

Okay, I'll stop here at the point where I have entered the acceptance stage coz it seems like a good parting note. Now go read part 2 of this Prolog :)